John Stamos Can Grandfather Me Any Day

I’m not a big fan of redemption stories, especially if it’s the main focus of the plot. (Let’s hearken back to the last one that I couldn’t force myself to watch a single moment of.) So, I sort of want to be mad at Grandfathered. As far as redemption stories go, a life-long bachelor who’s built a career out of being a business savvy slut who can cook being suddenly faced with not only a child, but also a grandchild he never knew existed… is definitely one of them. I could think up a clever reason why I wanted to watch it anyway, but if I’m being honest: Uncle Jesse is fucking pretty. And that once-creepy kid who’s playing his son is well on his way to becoming just as pretty. I swear to God, I look at him and Billie Holiday sings “Them There Eyes” in my head. So, I couldn’t just give the show a hard pass because the story happened to sound less than amazing. And, boy, am I glad.

It is… So. Fucking. CUTE. Seriously. Tooth aches all over the place because of how sweet this shit is. If I could just have that baby laugh and smile and dance around me all day long without ever aging… that’d be great.

But aside from that, it’s also genuinely funny. If John Stamos waited for just the right role to make his television comeback, he chose well. He is still stuck a bit in the “recorded in front of a live studio audience” timing, but I think that’ll wear off. Everyone on this show, even Christina Milian‘s annoying ass (she’s not on The Voice anymore for a reason), will probably fit comfortably in their new single-camera comedy shoes after a while. And we’ll have to get used to her, ’cause as the baby mama, she’s probably not going anywhere. Unless enough people complain and her character ends up getting hit by a bus or something.

Whaaat? You don’t think that might be a fun story arc? If Felicity could do it… anyone can. (Todd Mulcahy survived, in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, it’s a real good time. Especially Paget Brewster and Kelly Jenrette, who are both my new best friends. I have to stop writing so the three of us can go hang out with Bob Saget and Lil’ Wayne, both of whom had cameos in the pilot. Any show that can understandably fit them both in the same episode is worth your time.

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Retraction #2: Limitless Isn’t.

Pun success!

I previously stated that I couldn’t say anything negative about anything Jennifer Carpenter-related. Unfortunately, that was a lie. But only a little one. ‘Cause I’m still not mad at her; or the show, really. But it’s got its issues and I’ve got the screen caps to prove it.

Specifically… Limitless has managed to reach its “funny” limit. But probably not forever. I think it’s just going to take some time for the writers to hit their comedic stride. Using Uno cards for Baccarat does not the “lulz” bring. (Yeah. There’s also that. When “lulz” is in a script… it’s not funny. No matter how ironic or cute you think it is.)

limitless-lulz

Then there’s this Spy vs. Spy, Angel vs. Angelus type of bullshit. It’s annoying. But I suppose it’s better than constant narration, if, for whatever reason, the writers feel like a singular conversation is the only acceptable form of exposition.

limitless-angelus

Also, Bradley Cooper isn’t Brian’s dealer. He’s his Methadone clinic.

So, I retract.

I was right about Joe Blow’s clothes not doing his body justice, though.

limitless-asiandoctorlove

You’re welcome.

PS: What’s the deal with Cruella De Model from Cycle 21 popping up on a channel surf, though? Is CBS having some fun-pokes at The CW? The #shade of it all!

limitless-cruella

Limitless Pun

If I had my hands on some NZT I might be able to come up with a more clever title. But it is what it is.

I have to admit, I only saw the original Limitless film once and it was way back in 2011 when it was in theaters, so my recollection of it is fuzzy at best. I do remember liking it, though. I remember thinking Bradley Cooper was pretty and being super smart is kind of sexy. Also, I think everything faded away into a technicolor blur by the time the credits rolled. Or maybe that was the opening credits? I don’t know. That’s all I’ve got. So, whether or not this CBS sequel series is a fresh take on the film, I can’t say. But I can say that I’m not mad at it.

The hero of our story is Brian Finch, played by Jake McDorman, and the general idea is that there’s a magical drug that makes you hella smart. He’s a frumpy dumpy Joe Blow with an average body (at least it appears to be, under his bored 30-something stoner clothes) who manages to be cute while he’s at it. Fellow gays might call him an otter. And then they’d try to have sex with him.

Aside from being a bored 30-something stoner-type, he’s also a caring family man and a starving artist. The crux of our story comes from his former band-mate growing up, getting corporate, and running into Brian at his latest temp job. One thing leads to another and he gets his first taste of super-geniusdom when NZT-48 winds up down his throat. Another thing leads to another and he uses his newfound smarts to heal his misdiagnosed ailing father. Another-other thing leads to another-other and he ends up in cahoots with Jennifer Carpenter in the hopes of solving a bunch of murders.

Also, Bradley Cooper takes a break from his Senatorial re-election campaign to show up and essentially be Brian’s dealer.

That’s everything plot-wise, in a nutshell. Other than that, the show’s admirable trait is that it’s fucking pretty. Straight up Awake style. Dark, boring green world pre-NZT vs. bright, vibrant orange world post-NZT.

Then there’s Jennifer Carpenter.

Pause for happy sigh.

I literally can’t handle how much I love Jennifer Carpenter. Even if she wasn’t in this show, I’d probably like it, but the fact that she is in it pretty much guarantees I can’t say anything negative about it. I can’t bring myself to say anything negative about anything she’s a part of. And I probably never will. Unless it’s to complain about her not getting the recognition and praise she deserves. No one else in the history of our motion picture obsessed world has ever made me believe that they are actually going through what their character is than Jennifer Carpenter. She doesn’t act. She just is. She doesn’t act sad. She turns herself into a profoundly depressed person. She doesn’t act angry. She physically morphs into a furious woman. Need her to be possessed by the devil? Check. Want her to look like she’s really been locked inside a building with a handful of other people who, be-tee-dubs, may or may not eat you? Done-zo. Want her to fall in love with her adopted brother? She’ll marry that bitch. I’d go on, but you’ll know from my previous posts how I feel about stalking. So, I’ll cut the creepy out and leave it at: Jennifer Carpenter is my favorite actress.

Can’t go without mentioning Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonioooooooooooooo.
Only because saying her name out loud, Oprah-style, might be the most fun thing ever.

Retraction #1 (Kevin From Work)

It is with a thoroughly bored heart and mind that I must retract my previous post regarding Kevin From Work. After 5 solid weeks of pretty much nothing happening, save for the secondary characters being generally annoying in poor, lonely, or sexually frustrated ways… I can conclusively say that this is tea not even I wish to drink.

It was a good pilot. Not a great one, but good. The rest of the series, however, is neither. Without being overtly cruel, I’ll apologize for associating it with Marry Me and leave it at that.

In conclusion: not even fictional stalking can be funny.

What did I do before Phe Phe?

I am by no means a Real Housewives fan. You might come to The “Q” TV Review and expect every post to be about some show on Bravo, but this is just not that place and I am just not that guy. Even though I was fully aware that the Hotwives series was a completely insulting parody of the Housewives franchise, I still stayed away from it. That’s how much distance I wanted between myself and Don’t Be Tardy & Co.

The day did come, though, when I happened to stumble upon a list of the stars of the series. Casey Wilson and Tymberlee Hill, who both impressed me on Marry Me, Andrea Savage on Episodes, Angela Kinsey on The Office, Kristen Schaal on everything she’s ever done ever… I thought it was worth a watch. One hearty binge later and I suddenly couldn’t remember what my life was like pre-Phe Phe.

Phenomenon “Phe Phe” Reed, Esq. is, yes, a lawyer, but she does not let that define her. You see, she is also a cake designer, a Zumba instructor, a foot model, a Certified Public Accountant, an aspiring taxidermist, and an ordained minister. Phe Phe’s the kind of chick who needs it turnt up when someone is in labor because a party needs to be a party, after all. And Phe Phe gotsta be Phe Phe.

If I had to sum her up in a single sentence, if I absolutely I needed to whittle down all of Phe Phedom to a single example… it would be her reasoning for choosing who she did in a friendly game of Fuck/Marry/Kill:

“See, it’s one of those situations where you are so disgusted by another human being that you want to fuck them until they die, you know?”

“What’s [my] obsession with Phe Phe,” you ask? She’s just Phe Phe, gurl. Phe Phe is everything and more, and not just because of all the job titles she holds. The Hotwives series has poked fun at Orlando in season one and Las Vegas in season two, each with all new characters played by the same actresses. Except for Tymberlee Hill with her portrayal of Phe Phe (and Kristen Schaal with her portrayal of Amanda Simmons, the drug addled former child star, who only appears in one [if I’m remembering correctly] episode of season two, but that’s beside the point which is…) because Phe Phe is, without question, irreplaceable. Hotwives without Phe Phe is life without air. She doesn’t have the greatest taste in men, but she does have a sharp tongue. She’s the best friend you wish you had while simultaneously being the best friend you wish you were. She will cut a bitch up when need be, but she’s funny when she does it, so even when you are said bitch… you’re not mad at her for it. Even if she does tell you to “calm down.” Or if she straight up dares to sit in your chair. (She always will, by the way.) You’ll not only let her, because she’s Phe Phe, but you’ll allow her doing so to turn into a festering inner-turmoil that results in you creating a “chair room” for your house, full of countless seats just for you to sit on.

Yeah. Think about that for a second. Let it sink in. Imagine the kind of person who would turn you into someone with a literal sitting room. Whether you like it or not, you want to know her. And I highly suggest that you do. Both seasons of Hotwives are on Hulu. Do it and do it now. You’re welcome.