The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious

    Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.

  • Mariah’s World

    I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.

  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas

    Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.

  • The Wall

    Who wants to be aPLINKO!”

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted

    This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events

    I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.

  • Beyond

    Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.

  • Caraoke Showdown

    Musical Cash Cab, hosted by the great Craig Robinson.

  • Emerald City

    Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.

  • Mary Kills People

    Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.

  • The Mick

    Bad Teacher meets Uncle Buck. It has its moments. Three cheers for Carla Jimenez.

  • One Day at a Time

    Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.

  • Riverdale

    Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.

  • Sneaky Pete

    Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.

  • Spy in the Wild

    Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.

  • Throwing Shade

    If John Oliver is America’s dad and Samantha Bee is America’s mom, then Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson are attempting to be America’s gay uncle and sassy aunt, respectively.

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan

    “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.

  • Hunted

    Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

What did I do before Phe Phe?

I am by no means a Real Housewives fan. You might come to The “Q” TV Review and expect every post to be about some show on Bravo, but this is just not that place and I am just not that guy. Even though I was fully aware that the Hotwives series was a completely insulting parody of the Housewives franchise, I still stayed away from it. That’s how much distance I wanted between myself and Don’t Be Tardy & Co.

The day did come, though, when I happened to stumble upon a list of the stars of the series. Casey Wilson and Tymberlee Hill, who both impressed me on Marry Me, Andrea Savage on Episodes, Angela Kinsey on The Office, Kristen Schaal on everything she’s ever done ever… I thought it was worth a watch. One hearty binge later and I suddenly couldn’t remember what my life was like pre-Phe Phe.

Phenomenon “Phe Phe” Reed, Esq. is, yes, a lawyer, but she does not let that define her. You see, she is also a cake designer, a Zumba instructor, a foot model, a Certified Public Accountant, an aspiring taxidermist, and an ordained minister. Phe Phe’s the kind of chick who needs it turnt up when someone is in labor because a party needs to be a party, after all. And Phe Phe gotsta be Phe Phe.

If I had to sum her up in a single sentence, if I absolutely I needed to whittle down all of Phe Phedom to a single example… it would be her reasoning for choosing who she did in a friendly game of Fuck/Marry/Kill:

“See, it’s one of those situations where you are so disgusted by another human being that you want to fuck them until they die, you know?”

“What’s [my] obsession with Phe Phe,” you ask? She’s just Phe Phe, gurl. Phe Phe is everything and more, and not just because of all the job titles she holds. The Hotwives series has poked fun at Orlando in season one and Las Vegas in season two, each with all new characters played by the same actresses. Except for Tymberlee Hill with her portrayal of Phe Phe (and Kristen Schaal with her portrayal of Amanda Simmons, the drug addled former child star, who only appears in one [if I’m remembering correctly] episode of season two, but that’s beside the point which is…) because Phe Phe is, without question, irreplaceable. Hotwives without Phe Phe is life without air. She doesn’t have the greatest taste in men, but she does have a sharp tongue. She’s the best friend you wish you had while simultaneously being the best friend you wish you were. She will cut a bitch up when need be, but she’s funny when she does it, so even when you are said bitch… you’re not mad at her for it. Even if she does tell you to “calm down.” Or if she straight up dares to sit in your chair. (She always will, by the way.) You’ll not only let her, because she’s Phe Phe, but you’ll allow her doing so to turn into a festering inner-turmoil that results in you creating a “chair room” for your house, full of countless seats just for you to sit on.

Yeah. Think about that for a second. Let it sink in. Imagine the kind of person who would turn you into someone with a literal sitting room. Whether you like it or not, you want to know her. And I highly suggest that you do. Both seasons of Hotwives are on Hulu. Do it and do it now. You’re welcome.