November Roundup, ’17

A day late, with apologies (shit’s going down behind the scenes, y’all, bear with)…

Watch This Shit:

• Future Man

  Josh Hutcherson is a lame teenager who beats an unbeatable game and, as a “reward,” gets recruited by time travelers to save the world. Not dissimilar to the plots of all the lame nerd movies Josh’s characters knows and loves so well. But, #twist, this series is not so much lame! And, I must mention, he’s got a healthy cum shooting range. Which, fair warning(/advertisement)… is not as up-close-and-personal as this series will get.

• Motherland

  A British mother gives too many fucks than she should in an attempt to impress the other moms who “happily” give way too many fucks. Thankfully, she’s got a couple definitely-don’t-give-a-fuck friends who help her out.

• No Activity

  Are you stuck on the night shift with nothing to do except get orgasms made out of head scratches? Then, this is the series for you. I haven’t looked into it beyond watching the pilot, so I can only assume: it’s probably heavily improvised and will most likely include a metric fuck-load of guest stars.

• She’s Gotta Have It

  So fucking necessary. #Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

• The Trixie & Katya Show

  If you’re watching Viceland, you’re probably stoned. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably a Drag Race fan. So, this new series is everything every single one of you has ever needed.

• Who Killed Tupac?

  If the title doesn’t give it away completely: An investigator who actually gives a shit about Tupac reopens the ridiculously unsolved murder case, as a civilian.

Meh:

• Runaways

  Kinda boring, if I’m being real honest (which… when am I not?). I guess a bunch of kids were friends at some point, mostly because their parents were friends, and the grown folks probably killed one of the kids, cult sacrifice-style. This tore everyone apart and now one of them is extra lonely about it and is trying to reform the scooby gang. Oh, ’cause they’re also probably mutants or something? I don’t know, man. The Gifted is the official Marvel winner of this season (which is ironic since it’s the one not being run by Marvel). Also, I was going to meet James Marsters at my local comic-con this year, but Hulu wouldn’t let him leave at the last minute. So, even though there are plenty of Buffyverse alumni all over this show (I see you Kevin Weisman and Brigid Brannagh), I’m still too pissed off at Hulu to give it a good review.

• SMILF

  Apparently single-motherhood is hella gross. And babies are fucking cute. (From an outside-looking-in/definitely-not-a-single-mother perspective.)

Don’t Watch This Shit:

• Godless

  If it ain’t Carnivàle or Westworld, the Old West doesn’t really interest me at all.

• The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All

  At some point, we have to collectively say “enough is enough,” don’t we? In terms of true crime on TV, isn’t enough enough when it’s furthering the murderers’ celebrity? Amplifying their voice? This shit used to be proper. Prison jumpers, dual static camera angles, and Barbara Walters being as judgey as one should be so that we all didn’t have to be. Now it’s “Watch my special, y’all, I got this bitch on the phone.” This is the “Like my status” of homicide.

   

October Roundup, ’17

Watch This Shit:

• At Home with Amy Sedaris

  There is only one Amy Sedaris. You either love her (because of course you do) or you hate her (because you’re a fucking idiot). Here, she’s taking up Martha Stewart‘s mantle in exactly the way you’d expect her to.

• Bounty Hunters

  Jack Whitehall and Rosie Perez. NOTHING MORE NEED BE SAID. Watch it.

• Ghosted

  Paul Blart meets People of Earth. Whoever put Craig Robinson and Adam Scott together deserves an award.

• The Gifted

  Of the two new Marvel offerings so far this season, this one is by far superior. Dreamers are waking up to the home they’ve always known suddenly treating them like outsiders, while the head bitches in charge keep trying to build that mutant border wall. We get the inside story of a family of fugitives, who’ve become so because they have the nerve to want to remain a family while in a safe place. With a bunch of X-Men special effects thrown in for good measure.

  P.S. I cannot wait for Amy Acker to kick a whole mess of ass.

• The House

  Halloween treats! These are short films, shorter than Adult Swim cartoons kind of short. Bound to be something in there you’ll like. There’s also apparently some kind of virtual reality version, if you can fork over the extra subscription fee and, ya’know, have some kind of gamer head gear to “experience” the shit on or whatever.

• I Love You, America

  Hulu’s answer to Netflix’s Chelsea. I imagine this is to comedy what Ryan Murphy wanted to do with this season of AHS, but that’s a-whole-nother story. The idea is: America, you’re fucking stupid… here’s every reason why, plus a close-up of a dick.

• Ink Master: Angels

  Yesssss! The badasses who turned the Ink Master competition on its head are now traveling the country, visiting different artists each episode who will compete against each other. Whoever lands on top then goes against one of the HBIC. If they win, they get a guaranteed spot on the next season of Ink Master. It’s all the tattoo fun of its predecessor, minus the bullshit favoritism of Núñez and Peck! Couldn’t ask for anything more.

• The Jellies

  ’90s kids, rejoice! Tyler, The Creator was born just in time for him to know how to properly make fun of the decade rather than nostalgiafy it like some kind of glorious the-way-we-were time period (although, let me be real… the ’90s were a real good time). Also, some bitches are jellyfish.

• Kevin (Probably) Saves the World

  The title is pretty self-explanatory, but here’s the deal: Jason Ritter (who, just sayin’, is fucking outstanding) touches a meteor and a super-friendly space lady pops out and tells him his soul is special and he has to make 30 some-odd other souls just as special. It’s a supernatural family show! And if you don’t cry when the deaf guy hugs him, you’re not a human person.

• Mindhunter

  Jonathan Groff is a hostage negotiator and he’s kind of terrible at it. He also might be gay? He gets teamed up with a macho man to do some non-negotiating.

• Scared Famous

  Real World meets Celebrity Fear Factor. Spooky, silly Halloween fun.

  P.S. DRITAAAAA! So happy to have her back on my screen.

• Ten Days in the Valley

  My unhealthy need for Kyra Sedgwick to be on my screen as well is once again happily met. She’s a screenwriter with a rough past who’ll settle for cocaine in a late-night-writing pinch (Brenda Lee Johnson she is not). She’s also in a custody battle with her ex who, #twist, [probably] kidnaps their daughter while Mamadukes is skeeted. Oh, the dramzy places we’ll go!

• White Famous

  For the first time, I’m not mad that Jay Pharoah isn’t on SNL anymore. I don’t agree with some of his point of view (Cosby fucking did it, dude), but my feeling that way is sort of the point of the pilot. There’s also a hearty helping of Jamie Foxx‘s “nut pussy,” so it’s clearly worth watching. (A lot of dick this month, folks.)

• Xtreme Screams

  Y’all, 👏 I 👏 was 👏 not 👏 ready 👏 for 👏 this. It’s a quick October gift from the Travel Channel. Up close and personal views of America’s craziest theme park rides, without having to deal with the lines, annoying kids, or spending money!

Meh:

• The Eleven

  If you’re tired of spending all of your true crime TV time in Chillicothe, OH, then head on over to Galveston in A&E’s new addition to the ever-expanding bandwagon.

• Ghost Wars

  I find myself comparing every horror show to Channel Zero; it being the greatest, most genuinely terrifying horror series I’ve ever seen. So, naturally, nothing’s really come close. (Especially not the nonsense that is AHS: Cult. Why, yes, I am going to talk about how fucking horrendous that shit is as much as possible, and I thank you for asking.) The premise of this series is somewhat interesting, though. Interesting enough to not make it onto the “Don’t Watch” list, at least (there’s a lot of that this month too):

  An entire town blames its problems on a psychic, who openly chit-chats with the ghosts only he can see. Every single thing that goes wrong is his fault, and possibly his dead mother’s as well. The townsfolk spend all of their time tormenting and terrorizing the kid so that they don’t have to pay attention to all the supernatural shit going on around them. (Bambi’s severed head crying tears of blood, anyone?) So, if seeing hateful pieces of redneck shit treating a man of color like garbage until he does what they want (Hello, allegory of 2017), then this is your bag.

• Hit the Road

  The characters in this Partridge family are less than likable, but that’s sort of the appeal of the show. It’s why it nearly landed in the “Don’t Watch” list, but Jason Alexander jerking off a dude in the bathroom put this at least in “Meh.”

• Lore

  Apparently, there’s this podcast that’s a big deal? I don’t know… I listened to Serial ’cause everyone and their puppy were discussing it, but that’s as far into podcasts as I’ve gotten. Anyway, some dude (with the strangest cadence of anyone I’ve ever heard speak) tells a story. Said story is “fascinating” enough for his telling of it to not be boring as fuck (it’s still hella boring, if you ask me) and now they’ve tried to make it even more “interesting” by keeping that guy quiet for a bit so a few relatively well-known actors can act some of the stories out. I was really excited about this, as I am with all horror series, but it just feels like Are You Afraid of the Dark? with a slightly bigger budget. Snick‘s been over for a long time, y’all.

• The Mayor

  A rapper runs a joke campaign for mayor in an attempt to sell more mixtapes. He wins. You see what they’re doing, right? Hence why I’m nervous about this one.

  Lea Michelle‘s great, Yvette Nicole Brown is greater, the hero of the story is charismatic enough, and his sidekicks are just the right amount of funny for this all to add up to good, entertaining, character driven stories. And it’s not even told terribly, it’s pretty well done.

  So, back to why I’m nervous: Brandon Micheal Hall‘s Courtney Rose is clearly Trump through the pitch-room filter. The man himself is so grotesque and awful, rooting for anyone even remotely similar to him makes my stomach hurt. Maybe if I try to look at Courtney as what a Bizarro Trump would be like, if the planet was actually a positive one to be on?

• Superstition

  I’m a little perplexed by this one. Mario Van Peebles and crew are sworn protectors of a town and they can do all sorts of mystical shit because of it. Then some evil dude shows up (played by the guy who I always confuse for Meat Loaf), who might be the Devil himself, given how serpentine things get around him. Naturally (or supernaturally, as it were), shit gets weird. We’ll see how things progress, but so far… good enough to not make the “Don’t” list. And with Van Peebles appearing to basically die a-whole-fucking lot at the end of the pilot… “not quite ‘Don’t'” is really all it’s got going for it.

Don’t Watch This Shit:

• 9JKL

  A divorcée moves into an apartment which is smack dab in the middle of his parents’ and brother’s apartments. End of plot. The series depends on the main character constantly being annoyed which, you guessed it, is fucking annoying.

• Loudermilk

  Berger is a miserable recovering alcoholic who’s just exhausted with having to mansplain everything to everyone. He’s also a little dumb and kind of hates women. While presenting the series to critics, he asked if they watch television until their eyes bleed. The answer is clearly: No.

 

April Roundup, 2017

Welp, I’ve officially gotten to February, y’all! “Two months behind” seems to be my permanent DVR status (though, it’ll probably turn into three). But, just for you, I made sure once again to watch all the premieres I could. My short takes on each are below.

Watch this shit:

• American Gods

  It feels so incredibly good to have Bryan Fuller back on television. There’s simply nothing else like his shit. Period. I can’t really tell you much about the plot, other than there’s an ex-con trying to get to his wife’s funeral, and a bunch of superhuman people (Gods, maybe?) revolving around him. He may or may not have become a God himself after beating up a leprechaun version of Pornstache. Also, a vagina straight up ate a dude. An entire person. Dentata realness, folks. If that ain’t worth watching, I don’t know what is.

• Brockmire

  A baseball announcer wading through the aftermath of his entire shitshow of a life becoming public knowledge (by him and his own drunken rant, mid-game). The twist: his unraveling was one of the world’s first viral videos and then made even more famous by a Drake lyric (sidebar: fuck Drake) turning our dear announcer into a household name. So, naturally he’s parlayed his “success” into a permanent announcing gig that comes with a stocked liquor cabinet. Plus, it’s Hank Azaria. The only thing better than him being able to act in voice is when he does it with his shirt off. And it’s on cable, so his nipples are bound to pop out. Also, Amanda Peet and Katie Finneran. They’re worth mentioning because they’re both amazing.

• Dear White People

  When the trailer for this series premiered, white folks went nuts. I remember lots of comments along the lines of “But if we tried to make a series called ‘Dear Black People,’ we’d be racist.” Oh, we would, would we? A series centering on a black woman with knowledge of race relations is not racism. However, white folks reacting to the series with hate and negativity (before ever watching it) because its told from a perspective that’s not theirs… is.

  The real genius, and the reason this amazingness went to series without Netflix batting an eyelash, is because it’s actually about that backlash. The series responds to every bit of inevitable reactionary nonsense in its first 10 minutes.

  P.S.: The world NEEDS Defamation to be a real thing.

• Dimension 404

  Robert Buckley is so fucking cuuuute. Ugh. I can’t handle how attracted to him I am. Which is kind of a shame since he’s only in the first episode. (But whatever, I watch iZombie [’cause I’m a 13-year-old girl like that] which he stars in.) Anyway, he’s only in this one episode because this sucker’s one of them nifty anthology series that are all the rage these days. Think: Twilight Zone that doesn’t take itself so seriously. Or a poor man’s Black Mirror. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not bringing anything terribly unique to the table, other than a bit more comedy than its predecessors.

• First Dates

  Y’all… I was not prepared for how obsessed with this show I’d be. You are the fly on the wall of a restaurant in which real folks are going on very real blind dates with each other. That may sound lame to you (because it definitely did to me), but it is so worth a watch. Plus, Drew Barrymore narrates and I love me some her.

• Guerrilla

  This miniseries is a dramatization of real life events that took place in 1970s London. It shows the inner-workings and interpersonality of prominent figures in the black power movement. An apt story for the world we find ourselves living in today, along with:

• The Handmaid’s Tale

  This shit is in–mother–fucking–tense. In a nutshell: A not too distant future that’s a Republican’s wet dream (which, today, they’ll pretend they don’t want, but actively, constantly try to get). #mynameisjune

• Soundtracks: Songs That Defined History

  A poignant look at history told from first-hand accounts and archival footage, with music at the heart. Drs. King and Simone feature prominently in the first episode, detailing the American civil rights movement.

• Talk Show the Game Show

  Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Three celebs compete against each other to see which one is the best talk show guest. And once again: Tiffany Haddish is everything.

• Talking with Chris Hardwick

  Here’s the ONLY reason this almost ended up in the “Meh” category: It’s essentially Talking Dead/Bad/Saul/et al. minus Dead/Bad/Saul/et al. So, if you’ve never watched any of the iterations, the cutie pie that is Chris Hardwick talking to folks and having lots of laughs may not be your cup of tea. I, myself, would happily swim in that tea until my fingers got all pruney. I’ve been secretly in love with Mr. Hardwick since he had his incredibly 90s long hair on Singled Out, back when my only goal in life was to somehow end up on MTV because, really, what else was there to dream about? Anyway, if you hate watching bitches talking to each other about themselves and/or the entertainment industry, this ain’t for you. A pretty big deal breaker will also be if you actually are or aren’t a fan of whoever Chris’ guest is.

Meh:

• Great News

  30 Rock meets the news room and gets less funny. Nicole Richie‘s hilarious, but only when she’s unscripted, and I don’t think even Andrea Martin can save this one. It’s co-produced by Tina Fey, so there’s definitely a chance the ship gets steered in the right direction, but that’s basically the only reason this isn’t on the “Don’t Watch” list.

• Hollywood Darlings

  Beverley Mitchell, Christine Lakin, and Jodie Sweetin (each 90’s teen stars in their own rights) try their hands at reality parody. I watched (and loved) Barely Famous, which Hollywood Darlings feels like a poor imitation of. It’s just not as funny as its predecessor. We do get an inside look on Andrew Keegan‘s freakin’ cult, though. That he really and truly actually runs.

Don’t watch this shit:

• Fire Island

  If you LOVE reality shows about generic-ass people (with ridiculous bodies and a penchant for alcohol and drama) living in a dream house you wish you had the chance to even stand near, let alone live in… then this one’s for you. I mean, look: It’s cute and all that a single letter in the LGBTQ2 initialism gets another reality show dedicated all to themselves, but it doesn’t make reality television any more interesting. The most possibly compelling thing that could happen between sexy gay men weekending on Fire Island for an entire summer is if some of them aren’t feeling particularly horny one day and wish everyone would just keep their clothes on. I’ll pass.

• Girlboss

  The coming of age story of a girl who is deliberately an asshole for no other reason than because she’s sure there will be a definitive reason (that she believes she’ll one day discover) why she’s supposed to be an asshole. She’s mad for the sake of being mad, she’s rude for the sake of being rude, and she finds her reflection in any mirror fucking outstanding. This show is based on a book (which is based on a life), the title of which is a god damn hashtag. Even with Jim Rash and RuPaul cameos, this one’s a hard pass.

The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

• Captive

  Anthology documentary kidnap-y goodness.

• I Like You Just the Way I Am

  That chick everyone hated in Angel‘s final season is an actually funny and talented writer. And she’s married to Jason Biggs. This is that.

• Magic Funhouse

  A Saturday morning kid’s show on crack.

• The OA

  Holy fucking shit is this god damn show amazing.

  “To exist is to survive unfair choices.”

  That is all.

• Shut Eye

  Beyond the psychic veil. (Or is it? … #intrigue)

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

• Delicious

  Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.

• Mariah’s World

  I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.

• Terry Crews Saves Christmas

  Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.

• The Wall

  “Who wants to be a—PLINKO!”

Guilty Pleasure:

• The Deleted

  This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

• A Series of Unfortunate Events

  I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.

• Beyond

  Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.

• Caraoke Showdown

  Musical Cash Cab, hosted by the great Craig Robinson.

• Emerald City

  Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.

• Mary Kills People

  Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.

• The Mick

  Bad Teacher meets Uncle Buck. It has its moments. Three cheers for Carla Jimenez.

• One Day at a Time

  Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.

• Riverdale

  Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.

• Sneaky Pete

  Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.

• Spy in the Wild

  Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.

• Throwing Shade

  If John Oliver is America’s dad and Samantha Bee is America’s mom, then Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson are attempting to be America’s gay uncle and sassy aunt, respectively.

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

• Big Fan

  “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.

• Hunted

  Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

• The Almost Impossible Game Show
• American Housewife
• Channel Zero
• Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency
• Divorce
• Eyewitness (more on this below)
• Frequency
• Glitch
• Good Girls Revolt
• The Great Indoors
• Hart of the City
• Haters Back Off
• Him
• Insecure
• The Living and the Dead
• People of Earth
• That Awkward Game Show
• Timeless
• Tracey Ullman’s Show
• Westworld
• Wolf Creek

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

• Acting Out
• Dream Corp, LLC
• Freakish
• Man With a Plan

The things not worth your time:

• Chance
• Conviction
• Graves
• No Tomorrow
• Project Runway: Fashion Startup
• Pure Genius
• Stan Against Evil

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

• Arrow

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.