A day late, with apologies (shit’s going down behind the scenes, y’all, bear with)…
Watch This Shit:
- Future Man
Josh Hutcherson is a lame teenager who beats an unbeatable game and, as a “reward,” gets recruited by time travelers to save the world. Not dissimilar to the plots of all the lame nerd movies Josh’s characters knows and loves so well. But, #twist, this series is not so much lame! And, I must mention, he’s got a healthy cum shooting range. Which, fair warning(/advertisement)… is not as up-close-and-personal as this series will get.
A British mother gives too many fucks than she should in an attempt to impress the other moms who “happily” give way too many fucks. Thankfully, she’s got a couple definitely-don’t-give-a-fuck friends who help her out.
- No Activity
Are you stuck on the night shift with nothing to do except get orgasms made out of head scratches? Then, this is the series for you. I haven’t looked into it beyond watching the pilot, so I can only assume: it’s probably heavily improvised and will most likely include a metric fuck-load of guest stars.
- She’s Gotta Have It
So fucking necessary. #Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
- The Trixie & Katya Show
If you’re watching Viceland, you’re probably stoned. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably a Drag Race fan. So, this new series is everything every single one of you has ever needed.
- Who Killed Tupac?
If the title doesn’t give it away completely: An investigator who actually gives a shit about Tupac reopens the ridiculously unsolved murder case, as a civilian.
Kinda boring, if I’m being real honest (which… when am I not?). I guess a bunch of kids were friends at some point, mostly because their parents were friends, and the grown folks probably killed one of the kids, cult sacrifice-style. This tore everyone apart and now one of them is extra lonely about it and is trying to reform the scooby gang. Oh, ’cause they’re also probably mutants or something? I don’t know, man. The Gifted is the official Marvel winner of this season (which is ironic since it’s the one not being run by Marvel). Also, I was going to meet James Marsters at my local comic-con this year, but Hulu wouldn’t let him leave at the last minute. So, even though there are plenty of Buffyverse alumni all over this show (I see you Kevin Weisman and Brigid Brannagh), I’m still too pissed off at Hulu to give it a good review.
Apparently single-motherhood is hella gross. And babies are fucking cute. (From an outside-looking-in/definitely-not-a-single-mother perspective.)
Don’t Watch This Shit:
If it ain’t Carnivàle or Westworld, the Old West doesn’t really interest me at all.
- The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All
At some point, we have to collectively say “enough is enough,” don’t we? In terms of true crime on TV, isn’t enough enough when it’s furthering the murderers’ celebrity? Amplifying their voice? This shit used to be proper. Prison jumpers, dual static camera angles, and Barbara Walters being as judgey as one should be so that we all didn’t have to be. Now it’s “Watch my special, y’all, I got this bitch on the phone.” This is the “Like my status” of homicide.
Welp, I’ve officially gotten to February, y’all! “Two months behind” seems to be my permanent DVR status (though, it’ll probably turn into three). But, just for you, I made sure once again to watch all the premieres I could. My short takes on each are below.
Watch this shit:
- American Gods
It feels so incredibly good to have Bryan Fuller back on television. There’s simply nothing else like his shit. Period. I can’t really tell you much about the plot, other than there’s an ex-con trying to get to his wife’s funeral, and a bunch of superhuman people (Gods, maybe?) revolving around him. He may or may not have become a God himself after beating up a leprechaun version of Pornstache. Also, a vagina straight up ate a dude. An entire person. Dentata realness, folks. If that ain’t worth watching, I don’t know what is.
A baseball announcer wading through the aftermath of his entire shitshow of a life becoming public knowledge (by him and his own drunken rant, mid-game). The twist: his unraveling was one of the world’s first viral videos and then made even more famous by a Drake lyric (sidebar: fuck Drake) turning our dear announcer into a household name. So, naturally he’s parlayed his “success” into a permanent announcing gig that comes with a stocked liquor cabinet. Plus, it’s Hank Azaria. The only thing better than him being able to act in voice is when he does it with his shirt off. And it’s on cable, so his nipples are bound to pop out. Also, Amanda Peet and Katie Finneran. They’re worth mentioning because they’re both amazing.
- Dear White People
When the trailer for this series premiered, white folks went nuts. I remember lots of comments along the lines of “But if we tried to make a series called ‘Dear Black People,’ we’d be racist.” Oh, we would, would we? A series centering on a black woman with knowledge of race relations is not racism. However, white folks reacting to the series with hate and negativity (before ever watching it) because its told from a perspective that’s not theirs… is.
The real genius, and the reason this amazingness went to series without Netflix batting an eyelash, is because it’s actually about that backlash. The series responds to every bit of inevitable reactionary nonsense in its first 10 minutes.
P.S.: The world NEEDS Defamation to be a real thing.
- Dimension 404
Robert Buckley is so fucking cuuuute. Ugh. I can’t handle how attracted to him I am. Which is kind of a shame since he’s only in the first episode. (But whatever, I watch iZombie [’cause I’m a 13-year-old girl like that] which he stars in.) Anyway, he’s only in this one episode because this sucker’s one of them nifty anthology series that are all the rage these days. Think: Twilight Zone that doesn’t take itself so seriously. Or a poor man’s Black Mirror. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not bringing anything terribly unique to the table, other than a bit more comedy than its predecessors.
- First Dates
Y’all… I was not prepared for how obsessed with this show I’d be. You are the fly on the wall of a restaurant in which real folks are going on very real blind dates with each other. That may sound lame to you (because it definitely did to me), but it is so worth a watch. Plus, Drew Barrymore narrates and I love me some her.
This miniseries is a dramatization of real life events that took place in 1970s London. It shows the inner-workings and interpersonality of prominent figures in the black power movement. An apt story for the world we find ourselves living in today, along with:
- The Handmaid’s Tale
This shit is in–mother–fucking–tense. In a nutshell: A not too distant future that’s a Republican’s wet dream (which, today, they’ll pretend they don’t want, but actively, constantly try to get). #mynameisjune
- Soundtracks: Songs That Defined History
A poignant look at history told from first-hand accounts and archival footage, with music at the heart. Drs. King and Simone feature prominently in the first episode, detailing the American civil rights movement.
- Talk Show the Game Show
Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Three celebs compete against each other to see which one is the best talk show guest. And once again: Tiffany Haddish is everything.
- Talking with Chris Hardwick
Here’s the ONLY reason this almost ended up in the “Meh” category: It’s essentially Talking Dead/Bad/Saul/et al. minus Dead/Bad/Saul/et al. So, if you’ve never watched any of the iterations, the cutie pie that is Chris Hardwick talking to folks and having lots of laughs may not be your cup of tea. I, myself, would happily swim in that tea until my fingers got all pruney. I’ve been secretly in love with Mr. Hardwick since he had his incredibly 90s long hair on Singled Out, back when my only goal in life was to somehow end up on MTV because, really, what else was there to dream about? Anyway, if you hate watching bitches talking to each other about themselves and/or the entertainment industry, this ain’t for you. A pretty big deal breaker will also be if you actually are or aren’t a fan of whoever Chris’ guest is.
Don’t watch this shit:
- Fire Island
If you LOVE reality shows about generic-ass people (with ridiculous bodies and a penchant for alcohol and drama) living in a dream house you wish you had the chance to even stand near, let alone live in… then this one’s for you. I mean, look: It’s cute and all that a single letter in the LGBTQ2 initialism gets another reality show dedicated all to themselves, but it doesn’t make reality television any more interesting. The most possibly compelling thing that could happen between sexy gay men weekending on Fire Island for an entire summer is if some of them aren’t feeling particularly horny one day and wish everyone would just keep their clothes on. I’ll pass.
The coming of age story of a girl who is deliberately an asshole for no other reason than because she’s sure there will be a definitive reason (that she believes she’ll one day discover) why she’s supposed to be an asshole. She’s mad for the sake of being mad, she’s rude for the sake of being rude, and she finds her reflection in any mirror fucking outstanding. This show is based on a book (which is based on a life), the title of which is a god damn hashtag. Even with Jim Rash and RuPaul cameos, this one’s a hard pass.
I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):
Watch this shit:
(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):
Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.
- Mariah’s World
I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.
- Terry Crews Saves Christmas
Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.
- The Wall
“Who wants to be a—PLINKO!”
Watch this shit:
- A Series of Unfortunate Events
I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.
Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.
- Caraoke Showdown
Musical Cash Cab, hosted by the great Craig Robinson.
- Emerald City
Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.
- Mary Kills People
Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.
- The Mick
Bad Teacher meets Uncle Buck. It has its moments. Three cheers for Carla Jimenez.
- One Day at a Time
Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.
Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.
- Sneaky Pete
Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.
- Spy in the Wild
Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.
- Throwing Shade
If John Oliver is America’s dad and Samantha Bee is America’s mom, then Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson are attempting to be America’s gay uncle and sassy aunt, respectively.
(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):
- Big Fan
“Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.
Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.
Some more new shiz of this season, in short:
The things worth your time (especially in bold):
The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:
The things not worth your time:
Old shit, no longer worth your time:
Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.
Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.
The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.