Why Billions Will Fail (P.R.I.P. #1)

So, yes: things have been very slow around here as of late. I’ll blame part of it on this season being right around the midway point (when, historically, nothing very exciting happens) and the other part on me being a person with shit to do. Some of that shit being taking my first ever vacation-for-the-sake-of-taking-a-vacation to Las Vegas. I came, I saw, I conquered… it was a time. Most mornings and early afternoons were spent in the hotel room with the TV on because, honestly, we’re unhealthy assholes and we had to rest our legs from the previous day’s walking. I mention this only to explain why we watched so much Showtime which was the only premium cable channel we had. This brings me to:

Billions.

We can do better, folks. If you plan on watching the show because you’re genuinely excited by the trailer (which, granted, is all I’ve seen of the show, plus Showtime’s little interview snippets with the cast embarrassingly trying to find nice things to say about it), feel free to stop reading now. “We can do better” is a pretty good summation of everything I have to say. Here’s the full trailer they’ve got on a loop:

I really don’t know where to begin. I guess, let’s go straight into the horse’s mouth.

Billions is a look at the lives of the wealthy and the powerful.”
“It’s a kind of portrait of the power structure of New York City.”

Right away: no thank you. Those might not be the best one-liners to describe the show that its main actors could come up with, but they’re definitely the ones Showtime decided to run with. So, I have to assume they agree with those obnoxious descriptions, no? If all this show is is rich assholes and the non-rich asshole who’s mad at them for it… again I say “we can do better.”

Now, let’s get to the rich asshole himself. Bobby “The Axe” Axelrod.

Deep breath, y’all.

Axel. Rod. Just in case anyone thought that maybe there would be something substantive in this series, the creators wanted to reassure them from the get-go that it’s all about how penises are what matter. And thankfully, for good measure, Showtime was able to get one of the female cast members to explain that Billions just “follows these two men.”

Lastly (keeping this relatively short because I have another Spirit “The Spirit Killers” Airlines flight to prepare for by cramming as much clothing as possible into a backpack in an attempt to make my mother somewhat happy on Christmas because I’m not a fucking billionaire…), we’ll deal with the writing. Here are two of the gems Showtime, again, plucked out as their shining examples of what to highlight in their promos:

“Being a billionaire, when you walk into a room, you know exactly what everyone’s looking at.”

Deeeeep breath, y’all.

“America used to salute the guy in the limousine, but now they throw eggs at it. When did it become a crime to succeed in this country?”

Is it a crime to succeed in America? No. But white American success as a plotline stopped being interesting a long fucking time ago. Is this little review-o’-mine equivalent to me throwing eggs at that goddamn limousine? Maybe. But when I really stop and think of what viewers they’re trying to attract with this garbage, Donald Trump is the only person who comes to mind. The delusional man who truly believes that being a billionaire qualifies him to preside over a country. If that doesn’t deserve a few rotten eggs, I don’t know what does.

So, unless Donald ends up enjoying the series from the oval office that he will absolutely never be in… I have to give Billions the first Qtv Review P.R.I.P. (Preemptive “rest in peace.”)

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