The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious
    • Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.
  • Mariah’s World
    • I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.
  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas
    • Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.
  • The Wall

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted
    • This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events
    • I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.
  • Beyond
    • Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.
  • Caraoke Showdown
  • Emerald City
    • Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.
  • Mary Kills People
    • Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.
  • The Mick
  • One Day at a Time
    • Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.
  • Riverdale
    • Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.
  • Sneaky Pete
    • Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.
  • Spy in the Wild
    • Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.
  • Throwing Shade

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan
    • “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.
  • Hunted
    • Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

Death, Peanuts, & Detours

If you’ve been feeling like every show on television can’t seem to get through this season without killing someone… it’s probably because that’s exactly how the fuck it is. And, gurl, it’s getting tiresome. In the past month alone (give or take a few days), I’ve had to tell the following unlucky bitches to rest in peace:

And that’s just the shows I actually watch. Not to mention #TheLexaPledge. I don’t even know Lexa (having never seen an episode of The 100), but her death has managed to spark a revolution involving writers and producers of shows I do watch. Also, Castle‘s over or something? Again, a show I’ve never watched, though I do know that actors’ contracts were being reupped for another season which became moot once news of the main character’s death started being reported and left the fans outraged and belligerent enough for the network to pull the plug all-together.

Is this not reason enough for writers to stop thinking “Who can we kill?” If not, I don’t know what the hell will be.

I took a seat and really wondered where this all started. The best I could come up with is: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and hashtags are to blame. These are two shows which, one could argue, are about death. I welcome any and all hate mail and trolling about how they’re both “so much more than that,” but you have to admit that they are, at least partly, about mother fuckers dying. And that shit trends like nobody’s business. You’ll usually get applauded by critics for following the beat of your own drum, but in terms of Facebook and Twitter… you get rewarded for following the beat of the loudest drum. So, of course every network executive is cramming “KILL BITCHES” down every writer’s throat. But, again… the shit is getting OLD. Life is more interesting. Not “life regarding death of a loved one.” If you think it’s something your character absolutely has to explore, I can be okay with that. Hell, I’m filling my own head with bullshit dreams of writing a series, the entirety of which orbits around someone’s death. But if your whole deal is being a pregnant virgin or a fairy tale hero or a time-traveling bad boy… killing a mother fucker just isn’t necessary. We have enough actual death to deal with. We don’t need it in our entertainment.

With all that being said, I wanna shift gears and talk about how gay Schroeder is.

Apparently, somewhere in France, some Peanuts enthusiast thought producing one bagillion 3-minute animated shorts would be a good idea. I love me some Peanuts, so I’m not mad at whoever that was. And I’m especially not mad at whoever thought adding English vocals and airing that shit in America was a good idea. It premiered last month, but with my little ol’ DVR life, I was only able to watch the first handful of shorts today.

Why it took me so long to realize, especially with the widely known relationship between Peppermint Patty and Marcie, I don’t know. But watching Lucy fawn all over Schroeder and watching him reject her for the seven trillionth time finally made it click in my head… Schroeder is gay as fuck. First, there’s him being the vehement piano player. A man of the arts. Then there’s Lucy, a woman of the mind. Bitch is already practicing psychiatry at the age of 5-ish. A doctor. Any straight man of the arts, who knows how much money a career in such is worth, would latch onto any doctor who showed him as much attention as Lucy did. Worse comes to worst, you just be sure to never play football with her. And that’s as hard as your life has to get. UNLESS… somewhere deep down in your piano playing heart, you know you could never live without some big ol’ D in your life.

Now, I must mention that I, myself, am working as an electronic book publisher by day and a pop artist by night. I also just so happen to have married a Ph.D. student. But I actually love that bitch! I met him pre-Ph.D. and wore his promise ring prior to even knowing that he applied to a Ph.D. program. So… just sayin’.

Other than all of that… If you’re not watching The Detour, you’re missing out on something amazing. I’m too drunk to get into details, but it’s co-created by Samantha Bee (who I lovingly refer to as America’s Mom, whereas John Oliver is America’s Dad) and fellow The Daily Show alum Jason Jones. And it’s the jam. Do yourself a favor and watch all of it. Right now. The end. Bye.

John Stamos Can Grandfather Me Any Day

I’m not a big fan of redemption stories, especially if it’s the main focus of the plot. (Let’s hearken back to the last one that I couldn’t force myself to watch a single moment of.) So, I sort of want to be mad at Grandfathered. As far as redemption stories go, a life-long bachelor who’s built a career out of being a business savvy slut who can cook being suddenly faced with not only a child, but also a grandchild he never knew existed… is definitely one of them. I could think up a clever reason why I wanted to watch it anyway, but if I’m being honest: Uncle Jesse is fucking pretty. And that once-creepy kid who’s playing his son is well on his way to becoming just as pretty. I swear to God, I look at him and Billie Holiday sings “Them There Eyes” in my head. So, I couldn’t just give the show a hard pass because the story happened to sound less than amazing. And, boy, am I glad.

It is… So. Fucking. CUTE. Seriously. Tooth aches all over the place because of how sweet this shit is. If I could just have that baby laugh and smile and dance around me all day long without ever aging… that’d be great.

But aside from that, it’s also genuinely funny. If John Stamos waited for just the right role to make his television comeback, he chose well. He is still stuck a bit in the “recorded in front of a live studio audience” timing, but I think that’ll wear off. Everyone on this show, even Christina Milian‘s annoying ass (she’s not on The Voice anymore for a reason), will probably fit comfortably in their new single-camera comedy shoes after a while. And we’ll have to get used to her, ’cause as the baby mama, she’s probably not going anywhere. Unless enough people complain and her character ends up getting hit by a bus or something.

Whaaat? You don’t think that might be a fun story arc? If Felicity could do it… anyone can. (Todd Mulcahy survived, in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, it’s a real good time. Especially Paget Brewster and Kelly Jenrette, who are both my new best friends. I have to stop writing so the three of us can go hang out with Bob Saget and Lil’ Wayne, both of whom had cameos in the pilot. Any show that can understandably fit them both in the same episode is worth your time.

So You Think You Can Dance Like a Straight Dude

Applause where applause is due.

On last night’s So You Think You Can Dance, the notoriously “traditional” gender and sexuality conforming dance competition series, they lost one of the dozens of gay contestants they’ve had over the years. His name is Derek Piquette. And he is the shit. I was a fan of his throughout this season’s run and after last night, I’m an even bigger fan.

Having dealt with a barrage of comments (not just in this episode, mind you) on how to dance “properly” with a woman and just a general sense of “Why doesn’t it seem like you want to fuck the woman you’re dancing with? Haven’t you only ever wanted to be inside a vagina?” (I may be misquoting)… he chose a certain song to dance to for his solo of the night. Whether he intuited that it would be his last solo on the series, I’m not sure. But it was. And it was set to a little tune by The Irrepressibles entitled “Two Men In Love.”

Applause!
Applause!!
Applause!!!

I’d post the actual clip of his routine, but I doubt it’ll ever make it onto YouTube. So, just follow him on Twitter instead. While you’re at it, tell him he’s the mother fucking jam and you want to have his babies. I know I do.

If SYTYCD gets renewed for a 13th season, I’ll keep watching. But if I’m being honest, it’s only because dance deserves a place on television that doesn’t involve celebrities doing it badly. It is not because of how sugary sweet, nice and normal all those darn cute kids are [forced to be on So You Think]. I wish they would let the contestants just be. If the dancers never received another behind the scenes note about smiling when staring blankly into a camera or doing something “ya’know, FUN!:)” when screaming at the audience with their spirit fingers, begging for votes… it would be too soon. Because what results is someone visibly upset (because, hey, in a competition: sometimes shit is upsetting) while laughing and acting as though they’ve just had 3 espressos. Just let them fuckin’ feel like shit. I guarantee they’d get more votes with actual, genuine tears than with screwed on smiles and springs attached to the soles of their feet.

Just one season, just one… I’d like it to be full of dancers who dance because it’s what they fucking need to do. Full stop. Not because it makes them feel so bubbly and joyous and turns them into the shiny happy people.

But that’s just me. I’m bitter and gay. And Nigel doesn’t like that.

Edit 150906: Seems I just needed to do some more digging.