The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious
    • Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.
  • Mariah’s World
    • I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.
  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas
    • Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.
  • The Wall

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted
    • This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events
    • I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.
  • Beyond
    • Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.
  • Caraoke Showdown
  • Emerald City
    • Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.
  • Mary Kills People
    • Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.
  • The Mick
  • One Day at a Time
    • Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.
  • Riverdale
    • Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.
  • Sneaky Pete
    • Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.
  • Spy in the Wild
    • Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.
  • Throwing Shade

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan
    • “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.
  • Hunted
    • Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

November Roundup

Things are slowing down for the year, folks. The list below is a short one. Might not do another roundup until mid-season officially starts.

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

See? So few new shows that I don’t even have anything to tell you that you definitely shouldn’t watch! I’d say it was a great month if it weren’t for all you fucking morons that didn’t vote for Hillary.

Anyways… Now that the new series have stopped premiering, I’ll probably force myself to quit being lazy and start actually writing review-y shit again. (But no promises…)

October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

Qtv Does Chelsea Does

I’ve spent my entire day with Chelsea Handler and it was a good fuckin’ day because, god dammit, I’ve missed that girl. (I really hate that “dammit” is spelled with two m’s and not an m and n, but that has nothing to do with anything, so…)

As I type this, I’m currently spending time with her and her friends doing drugs, while I do some myself (“some” being gin, tonic, and lime… because I’m hardcore, y’all) so please excuse if any of this is nonsensical. I just thought “WWCD?” and I think she would type out a review anyway.

I didn’t watch Chelsea Lately the entire time it was on the air. The reasons why hearken back to my previously [slightly] posted-about drug addictions and recovery. I just had more shit to do than watch TV, unfortunately. But I did catch an episode here and there. It was maybe the last 3 years of the show that I consistently watched every day and I’m glad I did. She gave voices to comedians that didn’t achieve the same levels of success as she was able to, which sounds super commendable, but honestly, she did it so she could have more people make her laugh. And I think that sums her up well. A selflessly generous person who is so because it selfishly makes her happy in disconnected ways. (That’s a really drunk sentence… I’ll move on.)

There are people who don’t like Chelsea. Flat-out, hands-down could not give half a shit about the woman. Those people are assholes. Because Chelsea is a pretty amazing person. If she doesn’t make you laugh, don’t follow her comedy. Don’t keep track of her so you can hate a bitch for being hatefully hilarious. She’s not bitter, in general (like I am), but she’s honest to the nth degree. I really feel like people are attracted to her mainly because she says things most people simply won’t. Not because it’s impolite, not because it’s rude, not because it’s crude, but because it’s just too honest for people to handle. I think maybe it’s a fear of being offensive that she just doesn’t have because she truly, at a gut level, does not intend any offense. She’s just being honest. Growing up in New York, I had a few grade-school teachers like her (one in particular), and the fact that they were my favorite teachers is not insignificant. I really appreciate a lack of bullshit combined with respect. So, having an entire television series designed around Chelsea Handler teaching me about shit she’s simultaneously trying to learn about? It just can’t be bad.

Watch it, y’all. It’s a good time.

At this point, I’m real extra ready for her next Netflix show. Bring it on, y’all.

P.S.: This post is dedicated to Ms. Broccoli, my 9th grade Earth Science teacher, who taught the only class I ever got straight A’s in in high school. And it wasn’t because I gave any shits about Earth.

P.P.S.: Did I really just link a television review to high school teacher? Maybe I shouldn’t do what I think Chelsea would. No more gin & tonic reviews for me. Peace out, y’all.