October Roundup, ’17

Watch This Shit:

  • At Home with Amy Sedaris

    There is only one Amy Sedaris. You either love her (because of course you do) or you hate her (because you’re a fucking idiot). Here, she’s taking up Martha Stewart‘s mantle in exactly the way you’d expect her to.

  • Bounty Hunters

    Jack Whitehall and Rosie Perez. NOTHING MORE NEED BE SAID. Watch it.

  • Ghosted

    Paul Blart meets People of Earth. Whoever put Craig Robinson and Adam Scott together deserves an award.

  • The Gifted

    Of the two new Marvel offerings so far this season, this one is by far superior. Dreamers are waking up to the home they’ve always known suddenly treating them like outsiders, while the head bitches in charge keep trying to build that mutant border wall. We get the inside story of a family of fugitives, who’ve become so because they have the nerve to want to remain a family while in a safe place. With a bunch of X-Men special effects thrown in for good measure.

    P.S. I cannot wait for Amy Acker to kick a whole mess of ass.

  • The House

    Halloween treats! These are short films, shorter than Adult Swim cartoons kind of short. Bound to be something in there you’ll like. There’s also apparently some kind of virtual reality version, if you can fork over the extra subscription fee and, ya’know, have some kind of gamer head gear to “experience” the shit on or whatever.

  • I Love You, America

    Hulu’s answer to Netflix’s Chelsea. I imagine this is to comedy what Ryan Murphy wanted to do with this season of AHS, but that’s a-whole-nother story. The idea is: America, you’re fucking stupid… here’s every reason why, plus a close-up of a dick.

  • Ink Master: Angels

    Yesssss! The badasses who turned the Ink Master competition on its head are now traveling the country, visiting different artists each episode who will compete against each other. Whoever lands on top then goes against one of the HBIC. If they win, they get a guaranteed spot on the next season of Ink Master. It’s all the tattoo fun of its predecessor, minus the bullshit favoritism of Núñez and Peck! Couldn’t ask for anything more.

  • The Jellies

    ’90s kids, rejoice! Tyler, The Creator was born just in time for him to know how to properly make fun of the decade rather than nostalgiafy it like some kind of glorious the-way-we-were time period (although, let me be real… the ’90s were a real good time). Also, some bitches are jellyfish.

  • Kevin (Probably) Saves the World

    The title is pretty self-explanatory, but here’s the deal: Jason Ritter (who, just sayin’, is fucking outstanding) touches a meteor and a super-friendly space lady pops out and tells him his soul is special and he has to make 30 some-odd other souls just as special. It’s a supernatural family show! And if you don’t cry when the deaf guy hugs him, you’re not a human person.

  • Mindhunter

    Jonathan Groff is a hostage negotiator and he’s kind of terrible at it. He also might be gay? He gets teamed up with a macho man to do some non-negotiating.

  • Scared Famous

    Real World meets Celebrity Fear Factor. Spooky, silly Halloween fun.

    P.S. DRITAAAAA! So happy to have her back on my screen.

  • Ten Days in the Valley

    My unhealthy need for Kyra Sedgwick to be on my screen as well is once again happily met. She’s a screenwriter with a rough past who’ll settle for cocaine in a late-night-writing pinch (Brenda Lee Johnson she is not). She’s also in a custody battle with her ex who, #twist, [probably] kidnaps their daughter while Mamadukes is skeeted. Oh, the dramzy places we’ll go!

  • White Famous

    For the first time, I’m not mad that Jay Pharoah isn’t on SNL anymore. I don’t agree with some of his point of view (Cosby fucking did it, dude), but my feeling that way is sort of the point of the pilot. There’s also a hearty helping of Jamie Foxx‘s “nut pussy,” so it’s clearly worth watching. (A lot of dick this month, folks.)

  • Xtreme Screams

    Y’all, 👏 I 👏 was 👏 not 👏 ready 👏 for 👏 this. It’s a quick October gift from the Travel Channel. Up close and personal views of America’s craziest theme park rides, without having to deal with the lines, annoying kids, or spending money!

Meh:

  • The Eleven

    If you’re tired of spending all of your true crime TV time in Chillicothe, OH, then head on over to Galveston in A&E’s new addition to the ever-expanding bandwagon.

  • Ghost Wars

    I find myself comparing every horror show to Channel Zero; it being the greatest, most genuinely terrifying horror series I’ve ever seen. So, naturally, nothing’s really come close. (Especially not the nonsense that is AHS: Cult. Why, yes, I am going to talk about how fucking horrendous that shit is as much as possible, and I thank you for asking.) The premise of this series is somewhat interesting, though. Interesting enough to not make it onto the “Don’t Watch” list, at least (there’s a lot of that this month too):

    An entire town blames its problems on a psychic, who openly chit-chats with the ghosts only he can see. Every single thing that goes wrong is his fault, and possibly his dead mother’s as well. The townsfolk spend all of their time tormenting and terrorizing the kid so that they don’t have to pay attention to all the supernatural shit going on around them. (Bambi’s severed head crying tears of blood, anyone?) So, if seeing hateful pieces of redneck shit treating a man of color like garbage until he does what they want (Hello, allegory of 2017), then this is your bag.

  • Hit the Road

    The characters in this Partridge family are less than likable, but that’s sort of the appeal of the show. It’s why it nearly landed in the “Don’t Watch” list, but Jason Alexander jerking off a dude in the bathroom put this at least in “Meh.”

  • Lore

    Apparently, there’s this podcast that’s a big deal? I don’t know… I listened to Serial ’cause everyone and their puppy were discussing it, but that’s as far into podcasts as I’ve gotten. Anyway, some dude (with the strangest cadence of anyone I’ve ever heard speak) tells a story. Said story is “fascinating” enough for his telling of it to not be boring as fuck (it’s still hella boring, if you ask me) and now they’ve tried to make it even more “interesting” by keeping that guy quiet for a bit so a few relatively well-known actors can act some of the stories out. I was really excited about this, as I am with all horror series, but it just feels like Are You Afraid of the Dark? with a slightly bigger budget. Snick‘s been over for a long time, y’all.

  • The Mayor

    A rapper runs a joke campaign for mayor in an attempt to sell more mixtapes. He wins. You see what they’re doing, right? Hence why I’m nervous about this one.

    Lea Michelle‘s great, Yvette Nicole Brown is greater, the hero of the story is charismatic enough, and his sidekicks are just the right amount of funny for this all to add up to good, entertaining, character driven stories. And it’s not even told terribly, it’s pretty well done.

    So, back to why I’m nervous: Brandon Micheal Hall‘s Courtney Rose is clearly Trump through the pitch-room filter. The man himself is so grotesque and awful, rooting for anyone even remotely similar to him makes my stomach hurt. Maybe if I try to look at Courtney as what a Bizarro Trump would be like, if the planet was actually a positive one to be on?

  • Superstition

    I’m a little perplexed by this one. Mario Van Peebles and crew are sworn protectors of a town and they can do all sorts of mystical shit because of it. Then some evil dude shows up (played by the guy who I always confuse for Meat Loaf), who might be the Devil himself, given how serpentine things get around him. Naturally (or supernaturally, as it were), shit gets weird. We’ll see how things progress, but so far… good enough to not make the “Don’t” list. And with Van Peebles appearing to basically die a-whole-fucking lot at the end of the pilot… “not quite ‘Don’t'” is really all it’s got going for it.

Don’t Watch This Shit:

  • 9JKL

    A divorcée moves into an apartment which is smack dab in the middle of his parents’ and brother’s apartments. End of plot. The series depends on the main character constantly being annoyed which, you guessed it, is fucking annoying.

  • Loudermilk

    Berger is a miserable recovering alcoholic who’s just exhausted with having to mansplain everything to everyone. He’s also a little dumb and kind of hates women. While presenting the series to critics, he asked if they watch television until their eyes bleed. The answer is clearly: No.

 

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July Roundup, ’17

Let’s just dive right in, shall we? Not a whole lot of ground to cover this month…

Watch this shit:

  • I’m Sorry

    A comedy writer who keeps it really real finds herself in odd scrapes with folks who keep it really fake. And she says “fuck” a lot! What’s not to love?

  • Midnight, Texas

    A psychic, who regularly hangs out with his dead pothead grandma, moves to the creepiest of all creepy towns that happens to be inhabited by all sorts of sexy folks. Psychics, ghosts, vampires, witches who may or may not be lesbians that have talking cats, and since it’s based on Charlaine Harris novels… a murder mystery as well! It’s been too long since we’ve had some good True Blood-esque TV and, dare I say it, I think Midnight might even be more enjoyable. After all, “Midnight is very different in daylight.” (That line was way too good for me to not quote.)

    There is one big issue, though. A huge pet peeve of mine. Tattoo artists who don’t have tattoos. That should never be a thing. Ever. Ever ever ever.

    Said tattoo artist also happens to be gay. And an angel, which is not the problem. The problem is, but hopefully won’t be: he’s in a relationship. If him and his man friday never get affectionate (as damn near every straight actor playing gay tends to never do), then I’m gonna spend way too much time being pissed off about it. So, NBC better save me from wasting all of that time and energy by making two people in a relationship fucking kiss. Please and thank you.

  • Ozark

    This one slipped through my cracks. Didn’t actually know anything about it until Netflix flashed it on my screen and said “Hey, watch this!” It turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Jason Bateman‘s been a low-key criminal for ten years, eight of which his partners spent ripping off their boss. When bossman finds out, a whole mess of people get killed, but Jason sweet talks his way into moving his family to the Ozarks where he’s sure he’ll make millions of dollars by doing… some kind of shit with drugs. I don’t know, it was confusing. He’s really stoic and he knows way more about money than you or I. Also, he’s married to Laura Linney who was fucking this dude who gets thrown off of a building (which we see happen, up close and way too personal… fun) and his kids hate him. Basically: Think Breaking Bad minus cancer.

Meh:

  • The Last Tycoon

    Behind the scenes of a 1930’s Hollywood movie studio. Quite literally behind the scenes, in fact, with the Dust Bowl migrants living in the backlot. Also, America’s Sweetheart has died. And Hitler’s trying to control films while still murdering people, which Frasier‘s cool with.

    Oh, and I almost forgot about the aortal defect our main character has that will cause his heart to just randomly explode some day. Can you feel my eyeroll through your screen?

Don’t watch this shit:

  • Salvation

    I’m giving major side-eye to whoever wrote this pilot. The first five minutes amounts to “women in power and their pesky feelings about things,” while minutes six through ten are “See?! I TOLD YOU lame, nerdy, ‘smart’ guys can get girls! They even joke about math problems before they do. lolz”

    Said nerdy guy cums and goes just in time to 1) get his professor killed, 2) get chased by men in black, 3) convince some rich dude we’re supposed to care about to give him the time of day, and 4) save the world from… asteroids, folks. Asteroids. All of which covers the first fifteen minutes. I could not stomach a sixteenth, to be honest.

  • Will

    Ya’ wanna know what really pisses me off? When you try to modernize the past and you do it horribly. No one said the word “shitbag” until the 1940’s and they sure didn’t use it in the Elizabethan era. It makes me as angry as a sentence beginning with “Ya’ wanna” would’ve probably made Shakespeare.

    This series is created and written by Craig Pearce, who co-authored Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet, which I thought meant great things for the show. The problem is, though, that all he really did for the film was cut and paste. The source material was already there. He takes the creation upon himself this go around and does it without Baz. Which leaves us with not-so-interesting stories featuring the folks from jolly old dressed up like lost boys who paint their faces with neon. It’s a fucking Ren fair on acid.

    Not to mention, the last episodic retelling of a Shakespearean story (granted, it wasn’t about the man himself) has not worked out so well. If Shonda can’t do it, TNT sure can’t.