February Roundup, 2017

Howdy, folks. Here’s the new series from last month that sounded interesting enough to watch. As always, the actually really interesting stuff is in bold.

February

Watch this shit:

  • Big Little Lies
    • Almost put this in “meh,” to be honest. There’s some great talent attached, but it’s a little odd. It’s basically mostly wealthy parents of 1st graders dealing with being parents of 1st graders. And also a murder. But I’m not exactly sure who the hell was murdered. It’d be one thing for the mystery to be who the killer is, but to not know who died or if you’re supposed to feel sorry for them… sorry, I’m not seeing the intrigue there.
  • Crashing
    • A Jesus freak comedian’s comedians show. Plus a lot of woe is me. I’m a bit turned off by the fact that Lauren Lapkus isn’t supposed to be likable in this, because I love the crap out of her.
  • Doubt
    • Court room drama featuring Laverne Mo’fuckin’ Cox as a badass series regular. Also featuring Katherine Heigl a bit more than she should be featured. Honestly, the show is much more interesting when it’s not about her. Dreama Walker saves the day, though.EDIT: When getting the link for the series, I found out that the show had been cancelled after airing just two episodes.Which made me chuckle at first, but then I realized Trump supporters would probably use it as an example of why trans people shouldn’t be hired for leading roles (that is, if they gave enough of a shit about Doubt to complain, but apparently no one watched it so it won’t matter much). In reality, though, the problem is Katherine goddamned Heigl. STOP GIVING HER LEADING ROLES. It has never and will never work out. Gurl, bye.
  • Imposters
    • Definitely tries to be a lot funnier than the show was marketed as, which is a little disappointing, to be honest. I was expecting more of a con artist thriller than a buddy cop comedy. But I’ll keep watching because I can’t be mad at my future second husband, Parker Young.
  • Legion
  • Madiba
    • If historical biographies are your thing, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything more interesting (and timely) than one based on Nelson Mandela.
  • Powerless
  • Santa Clarita Diet
    • Quirky zombie goodness. Could probably use a different director, but finds a great stride about halfway through the pilot.
  • Superior Donuts
    • With Katey Sagal and Judd Hirsch, you’ve got some powerful sitcom vets. Add to that some social commentary and munchies jokes and you’ve got yourself a pretty good series.
  • When We Rise
    • Gay liberation amazingness. Fucking beautiful and heartwarming and gut-wrenching and inspiring and revolutionary and goddamn perfect.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • APB
    • Ugh. Police officers are women of color. But they can only get the job done when a rich white dude comes into play? No, thank you. Even with the goodness that is Justin Kirk.
  • Bellevue
    • Anna Paquin‘s a drunk mess. But also a cop. And she laughs real maniacally, while almost-fucking junkies in need of anger management. Because drama? Again… no, thank you. Though, there is an apparently trans person. But still… no, thank you. Including a much-needed minority character does not make your story interesting enough to be told. No matter how mother fucking needed that minority character is in today’s film climate. (EDIT: Hello again, Doubt.)

The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious
    • Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.
  • Mariah’s World
    • I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.
  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas
    • Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.
  • The Wall

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted
    • This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events
    • I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.
  • Beyond
    • Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.
  • Caraoke Showdown
  • Emerald City
    • Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.
  • Mary Kills People
    • Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.
  • The Mick
  • One Day at a Time
    • Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.
  • Riverdale
    • Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.
  • Sneaky Pete
    • Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.
  • Spy in the Wild
    • Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.
  • Throwing Shade

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan
    • “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.
  • Hunted
    • Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

Death, Peanuts, & Detours

If you’ve been feeling like every show on television can’t seem to get through this season without killing someone… it’s probably because that’s exactly how the fuck it is. And, gurl, it’s getting tiresome. In the past month alone (give or take a few days), I’ve had to tell the following unlucky bitches to rest in peace:

And that’s just the shows I actually watch. Not to mention #TheLexaPledge. I don’t even know Lexa (having never seen an episode of The 100), but her death has managed to spark a revolution involving writers and producers of shows I do watch. Also, Castle‘s over or something? Again, a show I’ve never watched, though I do know that actors’ contracts were being reupped for another season which became moot once news of the main character’s death started being reported and left the fans outraged and belligerent enough for the network to pull the plug all-together.

Is this not reason enough for writers to stop thinking “Who can we kill?” If not, I don’t know what the hell will be.

I took a seat and really wondered where this all started. The best I could come up with is: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and hashtags are to blame. These are two shows which, one could argue, are about death. I welcome any and all hate mail and trolling about how they’re both “so much more than that,” but you have to admit that they are, at least partly, about mother fuckers dying. And that shit trends like nobody’s business. You’ll usually get applauded by critics for following the beat of your own drum, but in terms of Facebook and Twitter… you get rewarded for following the beat of the loudest drum. So, of course every network executive is cramming “KILL BITCHES” down every writer’s throat. But, again… the shit is getting OLD. Life is more interesting. Not “life regarding death of a loved one.” If you think it’s something your character absolutely has to explore, I can be okay with that. Hell, I’m filling my own head with bullshit dreams of writing a series, the entirety of which orbits around someone’s death. But if your whole deal is being a pregnant virgin or a fairy tale hero or a time-traveling bad boy… killing a mother fucker just isn’t necessary. We have enough actual death to deal with. We don’t need it in our entertainment.

With all that being said, I wanna shift gears and talk about how gay Schroeder is.

Apparently, somewhere in France, some Peanuts enthusiast thought producing one bagillion 3-minute animated shorts would be a good idea. I love me some Peanuts, so I’m not mad at whoever that was. And I’m especially not mad at whoever thought adding English vocals and airing that shit in America was a good idea. It premiered last month, but with my little ol’ DVR life, I was only able to watch the first handful of shorts today.

Why it took me so long to realize, especially with the widely known relationship between Peppermint Patty and Marcie, I don’t know. But watching Lucy fawn all over Schroeder and watching him reject her for the seven trillionth time finally made it click in my head… Schroeder is gay as fuck. First, there’s him being the vehement piano player. A man of the arts. Then there’s Lucy, a woman of the mind. Bitch is already practicing psychiatry at the age of 5-ish. A doctor. Any straight man of the arts, who knows how much money a career in such is worth, would latch onto any doctor who showed him as much attention as Lucy did. Worse comes to worst, you just be sure to never play football with her. And that’s as hard as your life has to get. UNLESS… somewhere deep down in your piano playing heart, you know you could never live without some big ol’ D in your life.

Now, I must mention that I, myself, am working as an electronic book publisher by day and a pop artist by night. I also just so happen to have married a Ph.D. student. But I actually love that bitch! I met him pre-Ph.D. and wore his promise ring prior to even knowing that he applied to a Ph.D. program. So… just sayin’.

Other than all of that… If you’re not watching The Detour, you’re missing out on something amazing. I’m too drunk to get into details, but it’s co-created by Samantha Bee (who I lovingly refer to as America’s Mom, whereas John Oliver is America’s Dad) and fellow The Daily Show alum Jason Jones. And it’s the jam. Do yourself a favor and watch all of it. Right now. The end. Bye.