June Roundup, ’17

Let’s face it. There really is too much television. No use denying it any longer. Or the fact that I’m literally never going to get past February 2017 in my DVR backlog. Nevertheless, I’ll persist. And resist the facts. (Come on, political statements!) Anyhow, I’ve done the monthly premiere thing once again. Nothing extra amazing this time, I’m afraid, so no bold text to look for. (See previous blog posts if you have no idea what I’m talking about. Or if you’re just here in general. ‘Cause… that’s kinda the point.)

Watch this shit:

  • Claws

    Okay, here’s the thing… With a name like “Claws” and the way TNT advertised it, you’d expect that you’re in for a fun romp in a nail salon headed by the absolute piece of heaven that is Niecy Nash. You’d be very disappointed. This is not a comedy. It is a straight drama featuring characters who happen to be funny on occasion. So, if you go into it expecting interesting characters, crazy plot lines, and dramatic goodness with the occasional chuckle, then you’ll like this series as much as I did. (A lot.)

  • GLOW

    Alison Brie is a struggling actress in 1980s Los Angeles who, when robbed by preteen assholes, devotes her life to playing a wrestler in a new series and/or possibly actually being a wrestler (it’s unclear, even to her). It’s a good time. Also, Rich Sommer gets all sexual. (My crush on that man is intense.)

  • The Gong Show

    The original Gong Show is not rerunning on Buzzr. Therefor, ’90s kids like myself have never gotten to see it. I honestly had no idea what this reiteration would be about, other than Mike Myers hosting as not-Mike Meyers. Turns out it’s a wacky talent show with a gong that works sort of the the same way boos and Sandman work at the Apollo. It’s also judged by three comedians, so it’s essentially good family fun that’s funnier than AGT. EXCEPT WHEN PSYCHOS PUT SPIDERS IN THEIR MOUTHS LIKE SOME PSYCHO-ASS PSYCHOS.

  • The Mist

    The creep-factor is really real with this one. I loved the film version of Stephen King‘s book, but I don’t remember it being as buggy as this series. “Buggy,” not as in full of glitches, but as in: mad bugs everywhere eating bitches and otherwise making them crazy. (What is it with this month and spiders and shit running a muck?) It’s also much more fleshed out, which does have the ability to make things feel a bit melodramatic at times. Abstinence-only education, pansexuals, football players exercising their right to rape without consequence, and (shock of the century) the only black character so far getting locked up in jail real quick, even while wearing his military uniform. And this is all pretty much before a mysterious giant cloud engulfs the entire town! Twists and turns abound, my friends. The larger twist: everyone getting stuck in a shopping mall, rather than the film version’s grocery store. If this weren’t a Spike series, I’d say a makeover montage was bound to happen.

Meh (a.k.a. Watch this, or don’t, *shrug*):

  • Battle of the Network Stars

    For the folks like myself who were not around 40 years ago to watch the original, think: American Ninja Warrior with the Stars. It’s not bad TV, but it sure ain’t great TV. Just some silly summer fun and another addition to the ever-growing reboots list.

  • Blood Drive

    What in the mother fuck did I just watch? Long story short: Cars now only run on blood because… reasons. And said cars are literal giant mouths that eat bitches alive because… cars gotta drive, amirite? That is, of course, when they don’t get shorted out by sex happening inside of them (doggy-style being the top of the pops, by the way).

    Also cops beat people that steal water. Shit is extra crazy.

    Basically, they’re trying to make grindhouse work on contemporary television. Whether or not it will is still up for debate. Hence, this sucker being in the “Meh” category.

    P.S. There is a sexy-ass man wearing a hand towel at one point, so that’s worth watching, at least. Also that one dude from that one franchise takes his shirt off too.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • Daytime Divas

    Your standard behind-the-scenes look at female hosts (of a View-type series) being catty and trying to tear each other down. As far as I’m concerned, UnREAL is the only series that’s ever managed to do this right.

  • I’m Dying Up Here

    Not an enormously interesting series. An up-and-coming comedian in 1970’s Hollywood gets his big break on Carson and even gets invited to the couch after his set (the ultimate seal of approval for any comedian back in the day). He promptly leaves to celebrate and subsequently, intentionally, walks in front of a bus because, apparently, there’s no going up from there. Showtime is essentially doing to comedy what HBO did to music, and we all know how well that worked out.

    There are chuckles here and there, sure, but nothing to write home about. Especially not the moment the only female comedian finally finds her comedic voice (by choosing baby names while simulating a blowjob, btw). It falls pretty damn flat for me, even with the ridiculous uplifting score playing in the background over the remarkably loud laughter from the audience. And it only further proves how very much this show is created, written, and directed by… you guessed it: men. My worry from the very beginning, when this series was first announced, was that it would be a boys club. Learning that Ari Graynor would be a lead put me at ease. Finally seeing it now, though… not so much with the ease.

The Teensy-weensy May Roundup, ’17

Yes, folks. It’s been a slow month, indeed. But nonetheless, some noteworthy stuff premiered and my short takes on them are below. As always, the real good shit’s in bold.

Watch this shit

  • Beat Shazam

    Fun new game show whose ass I could KICK. Hollywood Game Night ignored my application, but I will not be deterred! Definitely applying for this shit. Anyway, It’s exactly what it sounds like. You gotta be the fastest person to identify a song correctly, with the possibility of one million fucking dollars at stake. It’s basically Who Wants to Be a Musical-Nerd-Millionaire.

  • Downward Dog

    One of those amazing shows that network execs have no fucking clue what to do with because it doesn’t perfectly match one of their other “successful” shows, so they air it at the tail end of the season and hope for the best. *cough, cough* Save Me *cough, cough*

    Anyway, Allison Tolman is the fucking jam. And Hope’s dad is looking super indie rock and delicious. Anddd… the main character is a literal dog. It’s a good God damn time.

    Also, I’m a complete and utter cat person. I am one hundred thousand percent a total cat person. And even I think this show is fucking cute.

  • World of Dance

    Yesssss. So. Much. This. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’m a SYTYCD watcher. And, let’s be real, a bit of a SYTYCD hater. World of Dance is everything SYTYCD should be. And every reason why Dancing with the Stars is awful. The only thing it’s missing is Cat Deeley, who can do no wrong in my eyes. Even when she’s telling loud bitches to shut the fuck up, she’s doing her job well. I will still be sad to see So You Think go, but I think it’s inevitable at this point. WoD is So You Think’s death rattle. Any age, any style, any number of people, actual scoring based on specific criteria as opposed to just judges arbitrarily deciding shit amongst themselves, and so much delicious, wonderful, amazing, dance. I’m in love. My tiny gay heart is all a flutter, y’all. Watch. This. Shit.

Meh:

  • Still Star-Crossed

    Alright, here’s why this isn’t in the “Watch” list: Turns out, all the obsessing I did over Romeo + Juliet while growing up had less to do with Shakespeare and more to do with Baz Luhrmann and his soundtrack curating. I’m just not big on those Elizabethan era dramas. It probably took marrying a theater history PhD candidate to figure that out.

    With that being said, this is by no means a show not worth watching. It is impeccably made, as all series living in ShondaLand tend to be, and the acting, writing, and directing are spot on. Plus, Giles’ sexy ass is back on our screens in his native [and delicious] accent (shoutout to that dumb Syfy series he did in an American accent which I eventually gave up on, as did every other viewer). It is a bit of a departure from Shonda shows of yore, but the Shonda DNA is still in there. So, yes, if you’re keen to hang out in the 1400’s and see how two sets of assholes quit being assholes to each other, with lots of dramz until they figure that out: then, this show’s for you.

March Roundup, 2017

“I caught up on all my shows and my entire life is fully manageable now!” …He said on April 1st. Y’all, I still got shit from January waiting for me to watch it. But, as always, I made sure to check out all the premieres of the month that sounded good enough to watch and the run-down of said premieres are below.

Watch this shit:

  • The Comedy Jam

    I am so incredibly about this, that it’s ridiculous. Especially considering the fact that I fucking can’t stand it when a comedian just whips out a guitar in the middle of a show. But they do that shit right over at The Comedy Jam. Demetri Martin can suck it. Tiffany Haddish for the win.

  • Harlots

    I’m not sure how to feel about this one, honestly. It’s not poorly made. And I’m all for women power. And the decriminalization of sex workers. But the women vs. women angle of the series is throwing me off. Worth a watch, though.

  • Iron Fist

    Apparently (from what I’ve seen online) this show gets real silly and the fight scenes are a mess, but just based on the first episode… I’m not super mad at it. It’s definitely not at the top of the great Marvel shows list, but it’s at about the same caliber you’d expect.

  • Making History

    Good shit. Funny, interesting, and intriguing good shit. Professor’s got a time machine which he uses to visit his girlfriend in way-back-in-the-day-Boston. He pulls a co-worker into the mix and wackiness ensues.

  • Nobodies

    Mean Groundlings with guest stars galore. Watch it.

  • Snatch

    Wiley British boxing/heist fun. Plus sexy-ass shirtless tattooed men with accents. What more could you want? (I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen the original movie. But now that I’ve seen this pilot, I want to.)

Meh:

  • Imaginary Mary

    I was fully prepared to hate this show. Crazy Scientology actress + ridiculous concept = no thank you. What literally ALL of the series previews fail to show you is that the dude whom Scientology freak falls for and his three kids are the real stars of the show. And Rachel Dratch, of course. Kinda sucks that she’s never gonna get to actually interact with the other great parts of the show (since she voices an imaginary friend that only Dharma can see). Still ends up in “Meh” rather than “Don’t watch,” though. So, not a hard pass.

  • Kicking & Screaming

    I’m on the fence with this one. A bit more on the “don’t watch” side, if I’m being honest. A wildlife competition show featuring people who know what the fuck they’re doing teamed up with people who have absolutely no idea what in the hell they’re doing. There’s always a risk in designing a show around annoying people (i.e. no one wanting to watch annoying people). It works for the Kardashians, though, so who knows. (Not that I watch that fucking mess, mind you.)

  • Trial & Error

    Another one I’m a little more on the “watch this” side of the fence about. Mockumentary, in the vein of The Office and Parks & Rec, that tries way harder than its predecessors which makes it lose a little bit of the magic. Props for making sexuality being fluid about literal fluids, though. Also #brothercousin.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • Shots Fired

    Note to creatives and, especially, network execs: You don’t need to switch up the facts to be edgy. Were this show about a white cop shooting an unarmed black teenager to death, it might be true to the life and times we all live in today. The cop being black and the unarmed teenager being white makes this police propaganda. And it means a whole hell of a lot that when we get this story told, it doesn’t look like the real life stories we witness.

February Roundup, 2017

Howdy, folks. Here’s the new series from last month that sounded interesting enough to watch. As always, the actually really interesting stuff is in bold.

Watch this shit:

  • Big Little Lies

    Almost put this in “meh,” to be honest. There’s some great talent attached, but it’s a little odd. It’s basically mostly wealthy parents of 1st graders dealing with being parents of 1st graders. And also a murder. But I’m not exactly sure who the hell was murdered. It’d be one thing for the mystery to be who the killer is, but to not know who died or if you’re supposed to feel sorry for them… sorry, I’m not seeing the intrigue there.

  • Crashing

    A Jesus freak comedian’s comedians show. Plus a lot of woe is me. I’m a bit turned off by the fact that Lauren Lapkus isn’t supposed to be likable in this, because I love the crap out of her.

  • Doubt

    Court room drama featuring Laverne Mo’fuckin’ Cox as a badass series regular. Also featuring Katherine Heigl a bit more than she should be featured. Honestly, the show is much more interesting when it’s not about her. Dreama Walker saves the day, though.EDIT: When getting the link for the series, I found out that the show had been cancelled after airing just two episodes.Which made me chuckle at first, but then I realized Trump supporters would probably use it as an example of why trans people shouldn’t be hired for leading roles (that is, if they gave enough of a shit about Doubt to complain, but apparently no one watched it so it won’t matter much). In reality, though, the problem is Katherine goddamned Heigl. STOP GIVING HER LEADING ROLES. It has never and will never work out. Gurl, bye.

  • Imposters

    Definitely tries to be a lot funnier than the show was marketed as, which is a little disappointing, to be honest. I was expecting more of a con artist thriller than a buddy cop comedy. But I’ll keep watching because I can’t be mad at my future second husband, Parker Young.

  • Legion

    X-Men, Interrupted. From the genius behind the Fargo series. So. Worth. Your. Time.

  • Madiba

    If historical biographies are your thing, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything more interesting (and timely) than one based on Nelson Mandela.

  • Powerless

    Superheroes meets Bryan Fullerstyle cuteness. If you’re liking The Good Place, you’ll probably enjoy this.

  • Santa Clarita Diet

    Quirky zombie goodness. Could probably use a different director, but finds a great stride about halfway through the pilot.

  • Superior Donuts

    With Katey Sagal and Judd Hirsch, you’ve got some powerful sitcom vets. Add to that some social commentary and munchies jokes and you’ve got yourself a pretty good series.

  • When We Rise

    Gay liberation amazingness. Fucking beautiful and heartwarming and gut-wrenching and inspiring and revolutionary and goddamn perfect.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • APB

    Ugh. Police officers are women of color. But they can only get the job done when a rich white dude comes into play? No, thank you. Even with the goodness that is Justin Kirk.

  • Bellevue

    Anna Paquin‘s a drunk mess. But also a cop. And she laughs real maniacally, while almost-fucking junkies in need of anger management. Because drama? Again… no, thank you. Though, there is an apparently trans person. But still… no, thank you. Including a much-needed minority character does not make your story interesting enough to be told. No matter how mother fucking needed that minority character is in today’s film climate. (EDIT: Hello again, Doubt.)