Ever the DILF, Christopher Meloni is an ex-cop who just won’t die. He fantasizes about blowing his brains out and subsequently dancing under his anti-gravity flow of disco brain blood. And, y’all, that extremely accurate sentence isn’t even as crazy as this shit gets. The series plotline seems to be: a kidnapped girl’s imaginary friend enlists our anti-hero to find her. Think Dirk Gently meets Bing Bong. And prepare yourself for getting turned on (at a moment when you really shouldn’t) by a wino, covered in blood, dry humping a fire extinguisher.
I never thought I’d put anything by Ellen in a “Don’t” list, but… this shit’s just too messy. It’s contestants screaming their faces off after every word Ellen utters, when they’re not subjecting themselves to a whole mess of nonsense in order to maybe win money. Just stick with the talk show, the games are better there, plus everyone always wins something.
A couple of dumbasses volunteer to have every item they own taken away from them for, like, a month because why wouldn’t they. I suppose it’s top shelf TV if you like hanging out with miserable nudists.
Badly composed and sung animated operas. Again, maybe if I were a lot higher than I currently am, but alas… nope.
And that’s it, folks. December kinda sucked. Coming soon is the final “Shit I Missed” Roundup of 2017 (which definitely won’t be posted until 2018). Also, a brand spanking new website, kids. Yeah, I’m overhauling my entire online presence. I’m still stuck at my day job, so it’ll take a minute, but ooh-wee do I feel good about this. I’m determined to get it done, so get it done I will.
There is only one Amy Sedaris. You either love her (because of course you do) or you hate her (because you’re a fucking idiot). Here, she’s taking up Martha Stewart‘s mantle in exactly the way you’d expect her to.
Of the two new Marvel offerings so far this season, this one is by far superior. Dreamers are waking up to the home they’ve always known suddenly treating them like outsiders, while the head bitches in charge keep trying to build that mutant border wall. We get the inside story of a family of fugitives, who’ve become so because they have the nerve to want to remain a family while in a safe place. With a bunch of X-Men special effects thrown in for good measure.
P.S. I cannot wait for Amy Acker to kick a whole mess of ass.
Halloween treats! These are short films, shorter than Adult Swim cartoons kind of short. Bound to be something in there you’ll like. There’s also apparently some kind of virtual reality version, if you can fork over the extra subscription fee and, ya’know, have some kind of gamer head gear to “experience” the shit on or whatever.
Hulu’s answer to Netflix’s Chelsea. I imagine this is to comedy what Ryan Murphy wanted to do with this season of AHS, but that’s a-whole-nother story. The idea is: America, you’re fucking stupid… here’s every reason why, plus a close-up of a dick.
Yesssss! The badasses who turned the Ink Master competition on its head are now traveling the country, visiting different artists each episode who will compete against each other. Whoever lands on top then goes against one of the HBIC. If they win, they get a guaranteed spot on the next season of Ink Master. It’s all the tattoo fun of its predecessor, minus the bullshit favoritism of Núñez and Peck! Couldn’t ask for anything more.
’90s kids, rejoice! Tyler, The Creator was born just in time for him to know how to properly make fun of the decade rather than nostalgiafy it like some kind of glorious the-way-we-were time period (although, let me be real… the ’90s were a real good time). Also, some bitches are jellyfish.
The title is pretty self-explanatory, but here’s the deal: Jason Ritter (who, just sayin’, is fucking outstanding) touches a meteor and a super-friendly space lady pops out and tells him his soul is special and he has to make 30 some-odd other souls just as special. It’s a supernatural family show! And if you don’t cry when the deaf guy hugs him, you’re not a human person.
Jonathan Groff is a hostage negotiator and he’s kind of terrible at it. He also might be gay? He gets teamed up with a macho man to do some non-negotiating.
My unhealthy need for Kyra Sedgwick to be on my screen as well is once again happily met. She’s a screenwriter with a rough past who’ll settle for cocaine in a late-night-writing pinch (Brenda Lee Johnson she is not). She’s also in a custody battle with her ex who, #twist, [probably] kidnaps their daughter while Mamadukes is skeeted. Oh, the dramzy places we’ll go!
For the first time, I’m not mad that Jay Pharoah isn’t on SNL anymore. I don’t agree with some of his point of view (Cosby fucking did it, dude), but my feeling that way is sort of the point of the pilot. There’s also a hearty helping of Jamie Foxx‘s “nut pussy,” so it’s clearly worth watching. (A lot of dick this month, folks.)
Y’all, 👏 I 👏 was 👏 not 👏 ready 👏 for 👏 this. It’s a quick October gift from the Travel Channel. Up close and personal views of America’s craziest theme park rides, without having to deal with the lines, annoying kids, or spending money!
If you’re tired of spending all of your true crime TV time in Chillicothe, OH, then head on over to Galveston in A&E’s new addition to the ever-expanding bandwagon.
I find myself comparing every horror show to Channel Zero; it being the greatest, most genuinely terrifying horror series I’ve ever seen. So, naturally, nothing’s really come close. (Especially not the nonsense that is AHS: Cult. Why, yes, I am going to talk about how fucking horrendous that shit is as much as possible, and I thank you for asking.) The premise of this series is somewhat interesting, though. Interesting enough to not make it onto the “Don’t Watch” list, at least (there’s a lot of that this month too):
An entire town blames its problems on a psychic, who openly chit-chats with the ghosts only he can see. Every single thing that goes wrong is his fault, and possibly his dead mother’s as well. The townsfolk spend all of their time tormenting and terrorizing the kid so that they don’t have to pay attention to all the supernatural shit going on around them. (Bambi’s severed head crying tears of blood, anyone?) So, if seeing hateful pieces of redneck shit treating a man of color like garbage until he does what they want (Hello, allegory of 2017), then this is your bag.
The characters in this Partridge family are less than likable, but that’s sort of the appeal of the show. It’s why it nearly landed in the “Don’t Watch” list, but Jason Alexander jerking off a dude in the bathroom put this at least in “Meh.”
Apparently, there’s this podcast that’s a big deal? I don’t know… I listened to Serial ’cause everyone and their puppy were discussing it, but that’s as far into podcasts as I’ve gotten. Anyway, some dude (with the strangest cadence of anyone I’ve ever heard speak) tells a story. Said story is “fascinating” enough for his telling of it to not be boring as fuck (it’s still hella boring, if you ask me) and now they’ve tried to make it even more “interesting” by keeping that guy quiet for a bit so a few relatively well-known actors can act some of the stories out. I was really excited about this, as I am with all horror series, but it just feels like Are You Afraid of the Dark? with a slightly bigger budget. Snick‘s been over for a long time, y’all.
A rapper runs a joke campaign for mayor in an attempt to sell more mixtapes. He wins. You see what they’re doing, right? Hence why I’m nervous about this one.
Lea Michelle‘s great, Yvette Nicole Brown is greater, the hero of the story is charismatic enough, and his sidekicks are just the right amount of funny for this all to add up to good, entertaining, character driven stories. And it’s not even told terribly, it’s pretty well done.
So, back to why I’m nervous: Brandon Micheal Hall‘s Courtney Rose is clearly Trump through the pitch-room filter. The man himself is so grotesque and awful, rooting for anyone even remotely similar to him makes my stomach hurt. Maybe if I try to look at Courtney as what a Bizarro Trump would be like, if the planet was actually a positive one to be on?
I’m a little perplexed by this one. Mario Van Peebles and crew are sworn protectors of a town and they can do all sorts of mystical shit because of it. Then some evil dude shows up (played by the guy who I always confuse forMeat Loaf), who might be the Devil himself, given how serpentine things get around him. Naturally (or supernaturally, as it were), shit gets weird. We’ll see how things progress, but so far… good enough to not make the “Don’t” list. And with Van Peebles appearing to basically die a-whole-fucking lot at the end of the pilot… “not quite ‘Don’t'” is really all it’s got going for it.
A divorcée moves into an apartment which is smack dab in the middle of his parents’ and brother’s apartments. End of plot. The series depends on the main character constantly being annoyed which, you guessed it, is fucking annoying.
Berger is a miserable recovering alcoholic who’s just exhausted with having to mansplain everything to everyone. He’s also a little dumb and kind of hates women. While presenting the series to critics, he asked if they watch television until their eyes bleed. The answer is clearly: No.
Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.
Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.
The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.
I found myself genuinely sad, being suddenly confronted by the series finale of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Apparently, the internet has known for some time that the current season would be it’s last and that particular bit of news, somehow, slipped through my cracks. Or maybe I willingly blocked it out of my memory because I didn’t want it to be a reality.
If you hearken back to a previous post, you’ll recall my love for a tea analogy. Admittedly, Aqua Teen is not everyone’s cupa. It never has been. But, more often than not, you’ll either love it or not care that you don’t love it. It’s not a show you can hate, I don’t think. If you don’t love it, you feel as though it’s because you’re just not in the cool kids club, full of people who do love it. And if you do, in fact, love it… you’re in on the joke. You’re the Frylock (level-headed, taking the show at face value and enjoying it for exactly the nonsense it is) to the everyone-who-doesn’t-like-the-show’s Master Shake (straight up doesn’t get it, but pretends to… or doesn’t bother to give it a second thought). Also, you wish Meatwad (just the cutest thing!) was real so he could be your best friend/pet.
Oh, there’s also the folks who don’t like it, but watch it anyway because they really want to be in the cool kids club. (They’re Carl.) I digress.
So, we’ve got 10 successful seasons and one feature film, released over the course of 15 years, under the belt of Adult Swim‘s longest running animated series (the sixth longest running American animated series to date, by the way). Still, it receives an abrupt cancellation half-way through the production of it’s eleventh season. And the reason? Mike Lazzo (EVP of Adult Swim) was “ready to move on from it.” Insert bitch face here.
Rather than rant about how bitter I am about that, I’ll just get to the Proof of God moment. Picture it: I’m ho-humming along the way I normally do, watching all my DVR’ed shit when the latest episode of Aqua Teen pops up and 11 minutes into it… I’m struck with the realization that it’s not over. It was the first (and only, if I’m not mistaken) half-hour episode of the series. It was then that I Googled and found out exactly how late to the series finale party I was. Before my jaw could fully ascend from the floor, Frylock and Shake were both really dead, for real, and Meatwad had a full head of hair, a wife, and two human/meat kids (meatlatto, if you will). The credits rolled to Patti fucking Smith singing her sad song and boom… it was done. A book with fifteen years worth of pages very suddenly slammed shut.
To make it all the more sad, it didn’t feel very typical of Aqua Teen. Series finales often jump ship from the typical fare of their respective series, I’ll grant. I just didn’t want this particular series to end on such a somber note. But there it was. Death and old age and a Patti Smith ballad atop the Aqua Teen house and The End.
Here’s God.
A second finale. A magical, internet-only, unaired second finale. There’s not a better meaning of “perfection” that I can think of for this show other than a big ol’ “j/k, you guys, here’s the final finale.” The final finale, indeed. Where characters are immortal (with or without magic shampoo), The Bibble (not a typo) cannot be questioned, boogers belong on tables, above ground pools are for bathing, Jimmy is Lord, Christopher “with sound mind and bitchin’ hair” Lambert is super bored, every minor character you wanted to see in the would-be finale is not only present, but join together to form the Last Aqua Teen Supper, and we get a conclusion befitting the ridiculousness that is and was and will forever be Aqua Teen Hunger Force a.k.a. Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1 a.k.a. Aqua Something You Know Whatever a.k.a. Aqua TV Show Show a.k.a. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever.
I’m still bitter that it was cancelled. But I’m less bitter now that we were given a proper send-off. It was a true “Thank You” to the fans and a well-deserved “Fuck You” to the higher ups.
Qtv 