A day late, with apologies (shit’s going down behind the scenes, y’all, bear with)…
Watch This Shit:
- Future Man
Josh Hutcherson is a lame teenager who beats an unbeatable game and, as a “reward,” gets recruited by time travelers to save the world. Not dissimilar to the plots of all the lame nerd movies Josh’s characters knows and loves so well. But, #twist, this series is not so much lame! And, I must mention, he’s got a healthy cum shooting range. Which, fair warning(/advertisement)… is not as up-close-and-personal as this series will get.
A British mother gives too many fucks than she should in an attempt to impress the other moms who “happily” give way too many fucks. Thankfully, she’s got a couple definitely-don’t-give-a-fuck friends who help her out.
- No Activity
Are you stuck on the night shift with nothing to do except get orgasms made out of head scratches? Then, this is the series for you. I haven’t looked into it beyond watching the pilot, so I can only assume: it’s probably heavily improvised and will most likely include a metric fuck-load of guest stars.
- She’s Gotta Have It
So fucking necessary. #Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
- The Trixie & Katya Show
If you’re watching Viceland, you’re probably stoned. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably a Drag Race fan. So, this new series is everything every single one of you has ever needed.
- Who Killed Tupac?
If the title doesn’t give it away completely: An investigator who actually gives a shit about Tupac reopens the ridiculously unsolved murder case, as a civilian.
Kinda boring, if I’m being real honest (which… when am I not?). I guess a bunch of kids were friends at some point, mostly because their parents were friends, and the grown folks probably killed one of the kids, cult sacrifice-style. This tore everyone apart and now one of them is extra lonely about it and is trying to reform the scooby gang. Oh, ’cause they’re also probably mutants or something? I don’t know, man. The Gifted is the official Marvel winner of this season (which is ironic since it’s the one not being run by Marvel). Also, I was going to meet James Marsters at my local comic-con this year, but Hulu wouldn’t let him leave at the last minute. So, even though there are plenty of Buffyverse alumni all over this show (I see you Kevin Weisman and Brigid Brannagh), I’m still too pissed off at Hulu to give it a good review.
Apparently single-motherhood is hella gross. And babies are fucking cute. (From an outside-looking-in/definitely-not-a-single-mother perspective.)
Don’t Watch This Shit:
If it ain’t Carnivàle or Westworld, the Old West doesn’t really interest me at all.
- The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All
At some point, we have to collectively say “enough is enough,” don’t we? In terms of true crime on TV, isn’t enough enough when it’s furthering the murderers’ celebrity? Amplifying their voice? This shit used to be proper. Prison jumpers, dual static camera angles, and Barbara Walters being as judgey as one should be so that we all didn’t have to be. Now it’s “Watch my special, y’all, I got this bitch on the phone.” This is the “Like my status” of homicide.
Trying things a bit differently this month. Since I’m never, in all of the rest my life, going to be caught up with all current shows again… rather than posting all microreviews at the end of the month, I’ll update this post throughout the month, after the individual series premieres. “Why,” you might ask? “I don’t know, like… ’cause,” I’d reply.
Anyway, the really good shit is in bold.
Watch This Shit:
- American Vandal
Viceland meets Documentary Now! “Who spray painted the dicks?” is Netflix’s answer to “Who shot J.R.?“
- Big Mouth
Puberty is animated and hilarious. Also, a bit easier if you’re lucky enough to have the ghost of Duke Ellington trapped in your attic.
- The Confession Tapes
Leave it to Netflix to turn true crime on its head. The first two episodes deal with one case, but six are documented throughout the first season. The gist is: crimes are committed, criminals confess, confessions are recorded. Summed up and tied in a pretty Qtv bow, it doesn’t sound all that interesting. But, bitch, it is.
- The Disappearance of Maura Murray
Another true crime series, you say? Shock and awe! I wanted to be really mad at this, since seemingly every damn network that exists is trying to put out the next big Serial. This was clearly just Oxygen trying to turn “The Disappearance of…” into a franchise. But, y’all, it’s actually fascinating. They’re calling this true crime, to lump it into that big-ass crowd of t.c. shows, but it’s actually true mystery. This particular missing woman may very well be alive and well somewhere, happily being not found. Fingers crossed.
- Electric Dreams
A pretty fantastic Sci-Fi anthology series based on the work of Philip K. Dick. I’m not the biggest fan of Sci-Fi, in general, and I enjoyed the shit out of this.
There’s a lot to unpack here. I’ll do my best. Mutants (think X-Men, but less save-the-world-y) live in an invisible bubble on the moon. Most of them are cool with it, but the cute guy from Vicious is not. He went through their “stand in a box while a blue crystal makes you special” trial and came out not special, you see. So, he fucks shit up for his brother and sister-in-law, the King and Queen (the latter of whom, by the way, he’s got a total evil boner for), and sends the good folks fleeing to Earth, the inhabitants of which have no idea these weird bitches even exist, let alone have lived on their damn moon. Crazy Marvel dramatics ensue.
P.S. Does anyone else’s entire body sing whenever they hear “Paint It Black?”
- Me, Myself & I
This one’s magical, y’all. A single life story, told at three different times of life, simultaneously. Plus, Urkle!
- Tales from the Tour Bus
One of animation’s biggest champions takes us on a strange documentary journey through band roadies’ tales of old. Don’t let the focus on country music throw you. This ain’t really about that.
- Tin Star
A London transplant moves to small-town Canada where he becomes police chief and appears to subsequently get shot to death in the fucking face. This sucker’s mad gritty, y’all.
Meh (a.k.a. Watch This Shit, or Don’t):
- ’90s House
Oh, it hurts. The pain of it all, y’all. Is this how real 70’s kids felt when That 70’s Show started?
If you give it a go, you’ll get such choice lines as “Three of you will be chillin’… one of you will be illin'” and “I think that my style is just killin’ way more than him.” So, there’s that.
- Chandra Levy: An American Murder Mystery
At three episodes, this isn’t a lot to commit to (which may be the only reason this isn’t in this month’s “Meh” list). And if you’re a true crime junkie, you might just love this. But it doesn’t offer a lot of new insight, other than the rantings of Condit‘s old driver who also claims to have been a very, very good friend. For me, though, it just reduced the untimely death of a woman to sadness about how much rich, cishet, white men can get away with.
- The Deuce
In a nutshell: 1970’s sex. It’s finding me during a moment of not finding sex fascinating, even when there are two James Francos and no matter how close HBO gets to actually showing a blowjob. So… meh.
- Evil Things
I don’t want to support the channel that brought us the Duggars, but… I love dumb, terrible, haunted shows like these! They’re such a guilty pleasure. All the actors being paid to play down-home folks all tell their “true” stories in the same monotone drawl, and the reenactors are just awful and it’s … so good! However comma… the reason it’s in “meh” is because the first episode deals with paranormal activity being caught on tape. But they never show the actual footage! What kind of fuckery is that? No bueno, producers.
- Jack Whitehall: Travels With My Father
My incredible love for Jack Whitehall and his delicious lips notwithstanding, this series is okay. It’s funny, sure, but some of those “unscripted” interactions can cause some serious eyerolls. For pure, hearty laughs which include those big-ass Brit lips, just watch Bad Education.
Don’t Watch This Shit:
- The Good Doctor
Norman Bates tries to be Doogie Howser. Pass. Feels like the Heartbeat of this season.
- Law & Order: True Crime
Same “Dick Wolf Cash Register Sound” and same melodrama, true to L&O form, except this time they’re tacking “True” to the top of it. Plainly, the script is paint by numbers. It’s lovely having Edie Falco back on our screens, but even she can’t make this good TV. And the cutest cute dad who has ever cuted is now newly pornstached and, suffice it to say, less than cute.
P.S. Heather Graham grabs a dick while saying “Who’s gonna take care of Doctor Daddy?” This hilarity is the sole reason to watch the first episode, and the first episode alone. If you’re lucky, the scene will end up on YouTube to save you the time.
- The Magic School Bus Rides Again
Sit your child in front of the television. Press play on this new Netflix iteration of Magic Schoolbus. Walk away. Drink lots of wine.
That’s right, folks! It’s a plot twist! This show is completely and totally watchable… if you are a child. And for you parents, it’s the perfect opportunity to smoke ’em if you got ’em and not feel bad about it.
- The Orville
My problem with this series is pop culture. Someone making a reference to Papa Smurf is not a thing that would not happen three centuries from now. It’s akin to people speaking today’s English three centuries ago. That being said, however… I have an uncomfortable crush on Seth MacFarlane and Adrianne Palicki is the shit. So, I’m giving this Family Guy/Star Trek mashup a “Watch” for now.
*Edit* Just watched episode 3. Massive swing, even bigger miss. Basic premise: “Being female is a birth defect that should be corrected. – Or should it? – It should.” lol, Remember when Papa Smurf was my biggest problem with this series? Do. Not. Fucking. Watch. It.
- Star Trek: Discovery
I just don’t get it. I tried, I really did. But I will never, ever get it. In this, or any other galazy far, far away. I an not now, nor will I ever be, a Trekkie. Or a… Wars-ie(?), for that matter. Bryan Fuller‘s the only reason (other than Sonequa Martin-Green) that I even gave this series a shot, but since he’s stepped down from his post behind-the-scenes, I’m just left with the extreme boringness of space. No, thank you.
As of this writing, I have made it all the way through my DVR to February 27th. I think it’s time to face the facts. This is officially a pilot microreview (…’s a word, yes? No? Did I just invent it? ™, bitches.) blog. For I will never, ever catch up. With that in mind:
Watch this shit:
- The Defenders
If you’re not aware, Defenders is the culmination of four separate Marvel/Netflix series that all exist in the MCU. To say the least, they vary in goodness (as in… one of the four kinda sucked). And, seriously, from the very first shot, Defenders was already better than Iron Fist. Not a difficult feat, granted…
What is difficult is seamlessly merging four very different shows into one. The first of its kind, if I’m remembering correctly. If every AHS season eventually does connect, that’ll be Ryan Murphy‘s attempt at replicating this, but I don’t foresee anything similar happening any time soo- …. I just remembered the dumb week-long crossovers they did for all those damn CW shows this past season. So, there was that. (Sidebar: eyeroll at that bullshit Flash/Supergirl musical. Once More, with Feeling or bust.)
Incorrect tangents aside: they do an okay job at keeping the feel of each individual series in the first Defenders episode. I was hoping for a bit more pace, but we’re left without the core four actually hooking up with each other. We do get a dying Sigourney Weaver apparently initiating the demise of New York City via earthquake, though. And Jessica Jones‘ outgoing answering machine message. (“Wrong. Number.”) Which, honestly, is reason enough to watch the entire series. And everything Krysten Ritter has ever done, ever.
- The Guest Book
Abed (’cause I literally can’t think of him as any other character) is a horny husband and father, married to Lauren Lapkus who’s an exhausted wife and mother who understandably isn’t trying to fuck. But then the cabin saves them by being a cabin! And that’s all I’d say about this series, if that’s what it was about. This little mini-review would be sitting below in the “Meh” category and that would be that. However comma… *twist* It’s an anthology series! And every episode is completely different, featuring a new story about new people staying in the aforementioned cabin of curativeness!
So, if you liked Easy, but wish Orlando Bloom was actually funny… check this series out.
- The Sinner
It means something when Jessica Biel stabs a man to death during family day at the beach, bur her husband is still more unlikable. Not sure if that means Jessica Biel is an amazing actress or if Christopher Abbott is the fucking worst.
- Weekend Update
SNL cashing in on the success of their last season which, honestly, they absolutely deserve to. If you’re itching for a Jost/Che fix, chock full of cameos, then Lorne Michaels is your new best good friend.
- The Tick
Fun, silly, superhero romp of silly silliness. With just enough twinge of seriousness to make it compelling. Also, that psycho from The Following is all normal-sauce! It’s so refreshing!
Marlon Wayans (easily the most annoying Wayans, hence: “meh”) is being raised by his ex-wife. As are their two kids. He’s also a YouTube pranker. (It’s as if the producers asked “How do we make an annoying person more annoying?”)
- Mr. Mercedes
A 20-something kid destined for incest-induced matricide put on a clown mask and killed a bunch of folks who were trying to get jobs (Thanks, Donald!). Actually, the killer klown may not have been the kid in question. But, honestly… I mean, come on, his mother licked his teeth. He’s definitely killing something or other at some point. Anyway, this show is actually less about him and more about the retired cop who can’t let go of the unsolved employment-seeker murders. He’s foreign and his neighbor wants to fuck the shit out of him, as does his favorite waitress at his brunch hot spot. ‘Cause, in case you’re unaware: when you’re old, overweight, hairy, male, and generally un-Statue-of-David-esque: you’re still fuckable (Thanks, Stephen King!).
- The Lowe Files
If rich folks bro-ing out and hunting ghosts is your thing, then you’ll love Rob Lowe & Less Attractive Sons.
And that’s all, folks! Nothing too terrible this month. Live long and watch. And donate to Harvey relief. And don’t listen to Republicans when they blame homosexuality. Peace.
I believe Kai. I’ll make that clear up front. Someone cheating on their partner while claiming to be monogamous is abuse. Let’s make that clear as well.
Here’s where I’m really stuck, though. The excerpts of what is clearly an amends letter being made public, and most likely used out of context. I don’t believe at all that Joss saying he was succeeding at being “normal” was him conceding to be a woman-hating misogynist. It was him explaining what he’s learned from years of privately being an asshole. And, if I’m really honest, coming from a 12-step perspective, he sounds like a sex addict.
I also don’t understand hating the man with such vitriol based solely on said excerpts. There’s really not a question about how the piece Kai wrote should make you feel. The slant is crystal clear. So, making some of it public really irks me, especially since none of it should be.
Lastly, we’re being given an after-the-fact account of a person. Years after the fact. And we’re attempting to hold them accountable for it today, without all the behind-the-scenes knowledge that would allow us to fully understand. When you take bits and pieces of years old truth, and focus solely on that while ignoring everything positive done by the accused since… we end up with Trump in the White House because [insert anything you might’ve heard about Hillary here]. Since Joss’ return to Twitter, he’s been staunchly campaigning for social justice and has spoken about how much he would’ve changed about his past (professionally and otherwise). Damning him to the world of hypocrites who should never be allowed to work again… just doesn’t seem right.