July Roundup, ’17

Let’s just dive right in, shall we? Not a whole lot of ground to cover this month…

Watch this shit:

• I’m Sorry

  A comedy writer who keeps it really real finds herself in odd scrapes with folks who keep it really fake. And she says “fuck” a lot! What’s not to love?

• Midnight, Texas

  A psychic, who regularly hangs out with his dead pothead grandma, moves to the creepiest of all creepy towns that happens to be inhabited by all sorts of sexy folks. Psychics, ghosts, vampires, witches who may or may not be lesbians that have talking cats, and since it’s based on Charlaine Harris novels… a murder mystery as well! It’s been too long since we’ve had some good True Blood-esque TV and, dare I say it, I think Midnight might even be more enjoyable. After all, “Midnight is very different in daylight.” (That line was way too good for me to not quote.)

  There is one big issue, though. A huge pet peeve of mine. Tattoo artists who don’t have tattoos. That should never be a thing. Ever. Ever ever ever.

  Said tattoo artist also happens to be gay. And an angel, which is not the problem. The problem is, but hopefully won’t be: he’s in a relationship. If him and his man friday never get affectionate (as damn near every straight actor playing gay tends to never do), then I’m gonna spend way too much time being pissed off about it. So, NBC better save me from wasting all of that time and energy by making two people in a relationship fucking kiss. Please and thank you.

• Ozark

  This one slipped through my cracks. Didn’t actually know anything about it until Netflix flashed it on my screen and said “Hey, watch this!” It turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Jason Bateman‘s been a low-key criminal for ten years, eight of which his partners spent ripping off their boss. When bossman finds out, a whole mess of people get killed, but Jason sweet talks his way into moving his family to the Ozarks where he’s sure he’ll make millions of dollars by doing… some kind of shit with drugs. I don’t know, it was confusing. He’s really stoic and he knows way more about money than you or I. Also, he’s married to Laura Linney who was fucking this dude who gets thrown off of a building (which we see happen, up close and way too personal… fun) and his kids hate him. Basically: Think Breaking Bad minus cancer.

Meh:

• The Last Tycoon

  Behind the scenes of a 1930’s Hollywood movie studio. Quite literally behind the scenes, in fact, with the Dust Bowl migrants living in the backlot. Also, America’s Sweetheart has died. And Hitler’s trying to control films while still murdering people, which Frasier‘s cool with.

  Oh, and I almost forgot about the aortal defect our main character has that will cause his heart to just randomly explode some day. Can you feel my eyeroll through your screen?

Don’t watch this shit:

• Salvation

  I’m giving major side-eye to whoever wrote this pilot. The first five minutes amounts to “women in power and their pesky feelings about things,” while minutes six through ten are “See?! I TOLD YOU lame, nerdy, ‘smart’ guys can get girls! They even joke about math problems before they do. lolz”

  Said nerdy guy cums and goes just in time to 1) get his professor killed, 2) get chased by men in black, 3) convince some rich dude we’re supposed to care about to give him the time of day, and 4) save the world from… asteroids, folks. Asteroids. All of which covers the first fifteen minutes. I could not stomach a sixteenth, to be honest.

• Will

  Ya’ wanna know what really pisses me off? When you try to modernize the past and you do it horribly. No one said the word “shitbag” until the 1940’s and they sure didn’t use it in the Elizabethan era. It makes me as angry as a sentence beginning with “Ya’ wanna” would’ve probably made Shakespeare.

  This series is created and written by Craig Pearce, who co-authored Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet, which I thought meant great things for the show. The problem is, though, that all he really did for the film was cut and paste. The source material was already there. He takes the creation upon himself this go around and does it without Baz. Which leaves us with not-so-interesting stories featuring the folks from jolly old dressed up like lost boys who paint their faces with neon. It’s a fucking Ren fair on acid.

  Not to mention, the last episodic retelling of a Shakespearean story (granted, it wasn’t about the man himself) has not worked out so well. If Shonda can’t do it, TNT sure can’t.

June Roundup, ’17

Let’s face it. There really is too much television. No use denying it any longer. Or the fact that I’m literally never going to get past February 2017 in my DVR backlog. Nevertheless, I’ll persist. And resist the facts. (Come on, political statements!) Anyhow, I’ve done the monthly premiere thing once again. Nothing extra amazing this time, I’m afraid, so no bold text to look for. (See previous blog posts if you have no idea what I’m talking about. Or if you’re just here in general. ‘Cause… that’s kinda the point.)

Watch this shit:

• Claws

  Okay, here’s the thing… With a name like “Claws” and the way TNT advertised it, you’d expect that you’re in for a fun romp in a nail salon headed by the absolute piece of heaven that is Niecy Nash. You’d be very disappointed. This is not a comedy. It is a straight drama featuring characters who happen to be funny on occasion. So, if you go into it expecting interesting characters, crazy plot lines, and dramatic goodness with the occasional chuckle, then you’ll like this series as much as I did. (A lot.)

• GLOW

  Alison Brie is a struggling actress in 1980s Los Angeles who, when robbed by preteen assholes, devotes her life to playing a wrestler in a new series and/or possibly actually being a wrestler (it’s unclear, even to her). It’s a good time. Also, Rich Sommer gets all sexual. (My crush on that man is intense.)

• The Gong Show

  The original Gong Show is not rerunning on Buzzr. Therefor, ’90s kids like myself have never gotten to see it. I honestly had no idea what this reiteration would be about, other than Mike Myers hosting as not-Mike Meyers. Turns out it’s a wacky talent show with a gong that works sort of the the same way boos and Sandman work at the Apollo. It’s also judged by three comedians, so it’s essentially good family fun that’s funnier than AGT. EXCEPT WHEN PSYCHOS PUT SPIDERS IN THEIR MOUTHS LIKE SOME PSYCHO-ASS PSYCHOS.

• The Mist

  The creep-factor is really real with this one. I loved the film version of Stephen King‘s book, but I don’t remember it being as buggy as this series. “Buggy,” not as in full of glitches, but as in: mad bugs everywhere eating bitches and otherwise making them crazy. (What is it with this month and spiders and shit running a muck?) It’s also much more fleshed out, which does have the ability to make things feel a bit melodramatic at times. Abstinence-only education, pansexuals, football players exercising their right to rape without consequence, and (shock of the century) the only black character so far getting locked up in jail real quick, even while wearing his military uniform. And this is all pretty much before a mysterious giant cloud engulfs the entire town! Twists and turns abound, my friends. The larger twist: everyone getting stuck in a shopping mall, rather than the film version’s grocery store. If this weren’t a Spike series, I’d say a makeover montage was bound to happen.

Meh (a.k.a. Watch this, or don’t, *shrug*):

• Battle of the Network Stars

  For the folks like myself who were not around 40 years ago to watch the original, think: American Ninja Warrior with the Stars. It’s not bad TV, but it sure ain’t great TV. Just some silly summer fun and another addition to the ever-growing reboots list.

• Blood Drive

  What in the mother fuck did I just watch? Long story short: Cars now only run on blood because… reasons. And said cars are literal giant mouths that eat bitches alive because… cars gotta drive, amirite? That is, of course, when they don’t get shorted out by sex happening inside of them (doggy-style being the top of the pops, by the way).

  Also cops beat people that steal water. Shit is extra crazy.

  Basically, they’re trying to make grindhouse work on contemporary television. Whether or not it will is still up for debate. Hence, this sucker being in the “Meh” category.

  P.S. There is a sexy-ass man wearing a hand towel at one point, so that’s worth watching, at least. Also that one dude from that one franchise takes his shirt off too.

Don’t watch this shit:

• Daytime Divas

  Your standard behind-the-scenes look at female hosts (of a View-type series) being catty and trying to tear each other down. As far as I’m concerned, UnREAL is the only series that’s ever managed to do this right.

• I’m Dying Up Here

  Not an enormously interesting series. An up-and-coming comedian in 1970’s Hollywood gets his big break on Carson and even gets invited to the couch after his set (the ultimate seal of approval for any comedian back in the day). He promptly leaves to celebrate and subsequently, intentionally, walks in front of a bus because, apparently, there’s no going up from there. Showtime is essentially doing to comedy what HBO did to music, and we all know how well that worked out.

  There are chuckles here and there, sure, but nothing to write home about. Especially not the moment the only female comedian finally finds her comedic voice (by choosing baby names while simulating a blowjob, btw). It falls pretty damn flat for me, even with the ridiculous uplifting score playing in the background over the remarkably loud laughter from the audience. And it only further proves how very much this show is created, written, and directed by… you guessed it: men. My worry from the very beginning, when this series was first announced, was that it would be a boys club. Learning that Ari Graynor would be a lead put me at ease. Finally seeing it now, though… not so much with the ease.

November Roundup

Things are slowing down for the year, folks. The list below is a short one. Might not do another roundup until mid-season officially starts.

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

• Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (Bold as fuck, duhhhhh! [Although, My husband and I are still in the middle of our second rewatch of the bullshit that is Gilmore Girls Season 7, so I haven’t watched the new stuff yet, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it is bold worthy.])
• Good Behavior
• The Killing Season
• Search Party
• Sweet/Vicious
• Undercover

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

• Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party
• Nightcap
• People Magazine Investigates

See? So few new shows that I don’t even have anything to tell you that you definitely shouldn’t watch! I’d say it was a great month if it weren’t for all you fucking morons that didn’t vote for Hillary.

Anyways… Now that the new series have stopped premiering, I’ll probably force myself to quit being lazy and start actually writing review-y shit again. (But no promises…)

Too Many LGBTQIA To Change

And by “change” I mean “make louder, make prouder, make less afraid,” and “make stronger.” That’s what they want us to think. The anti- crowd. The either rich, white, country, cis, male, straight, religious or all of the above folks who are against anything that isn’t exactly like them.

Too many, tomahto.
We love a challenge.

Having lived in Florida for ten years, waking up to the news Sunday morning involved more than just that. It involved the horrendous wait to hear back from my friends in Orlando. And the constant prayers that their phones weren’t the ones endlessly ringing inside Pulse. Thankfully, everyone I know has confirmed their safety. But some of them aren’t that lucky. There is one degree of separation between myself and a murder victim, killed for being just like me.

The last time a national tragedy hit so close to home was 9/11, the news of which broke during 10th grade Biology. Born and raised in New York, I vividly remember the line of cars outside my high school, which seemed like it stretched on for miles, and the frantic mothers running from the cars to reach their kids whose fathers (they were still waiting to hear from) were dying in the towers.

One degree of separation.

Now residents of Massachusetts, where we moved from Florida partly so that my husband and I could get married, we managed to avoid the Boston Marathon bombing. Because we’re lucky, I guess? If being lucky means surviving a terrorist attack, then sure. I’m lucky. But if being an American means having a terrorist attack be part of the history of every state you’ve lived in, then hell no, I’m not proud. If you want me to be proud to be an American, you’re going to have to give me less things to be utterly ashamed of, America.

I’ll admit that for the first few days after Orlando, I was terrified to even leave the house. I was adamantly against going to Pride this year, which has been a tradition for me since the age of 17. But one of the things I’m absolutely proud of is my sexuality. It’s a massive part of who I am. So, sure, I’ll do my best to ignore the spot on Earth on which I happened to be born and all the terrible things people born on the same spot have done because I don’t want their actions to be my heritage, but I’ll be damned if I don’t celebrate exactly who the fuck I am. My husband was out of town during Boston pride, but you will be seeing us in NYC on the 26th. With rainbow Hillary buttons galore.

Now, dear reader, I haven’t forgotten what this blog is about. We’re here to talk about TV and talk about TV we will.

Animal Kingdom premiered this week on TNT. They postponed the season premieres of two of their shows because of the homophobic terrorist attack in Orlando, so I was pretty sure Animal Kingdom wasn’t going to trigger anything negative since it was still scheduled to air as normal. The premise can pretty much be summed up as: a bunch of semi-angry shirtless straight men rob people under the supervision of Ellen Barkin. A little convoluted, sure. But who cares? It’s a good time. It is super-machismo and incredibly homoerotic and I am not one to be mad at the sexual objectification of men. So, it was a wild and enjoyable ride. Until…

The star of our show walks into a public bathroom to find one of the semi-angry, always shirtless, super-macho, definitely “straight” men getting happily blown by a male stranger. Realizing he was just caught, his moans of pleasure quickly turn into screams of disgust when he starts beating the stranger, while calling him a thief for stealing his wallet. Some very hard punches and kicks later, they leave the beaten man on the bathroom floor. All we see is the victim’s legs writhing in pain, bathing suit at his ankles.

Sigh.

Seriously?

Come the fuck on, TNT. I cannot wait to find out what was in those other two premieres that couldn’t make it to air after a national tragedy in which gay people were murdered in a bathroom. I seriously want to know who didn’t realize how exactly not okay that shit was to air. I understand plot points and premiere dates and advertising fees and blah blah money blah blah, but that shit should not have made it to air, you insensitive mother fuckers.

So, there. Was that TV talk enough?

Be exactly who you are and be proud as hell of it. Also fuck TNT right in the asshole.