October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

Death, Peanuts, & Detours

If you’ve been feeling like every show on television can’t seem to get through this season without killing someone… it’s probably because that’s exactly how the fuck it is. And, gurl, it’s getting tiresome. In the past month alone (give or take a few days), I’ve had to tell the following unlucky bitches to rest in peace:

And that’s just the shows I actually watch. Not to mention #TheLexaPledge. I don’t even know Lexa (having never seen an episode of The 100), but her death has managed to spark a revolution involving writers and producers of shows I do watch. Also, Castle‘s over or something? Again, a show I’ve never watched, though I do know that actors’ contracts were being reupped for another season which became moot once news of the main character’s death started being reported and left the fans outraged and belligerent enough for the network to pull the plug all-together.

Is this not reason enough for writers to stop thinking “Who can we kill?” If not, I don’t know what the hell will be.

I took a seat and really wondered where this all started. The best I could come up with is: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and hashtags are to blame. These are two shows which, one could argue, are about death. I welcome any and all hate mail and trolling about how they’re both “so much more than that,” but you have to admit that they are, at least partly, about mother fuckers dying. And that shit trends like nobody’s business. You’ll usually get applauded by critics for following the beat of your own drum, but in terms of Facebook and Twitter… you get rewarded for following the beat of the loudest drum. So, of course every network executive is cramming “KILL BITCHES” down every writer’s throat. But, again… the shit is getting OLD. Life is more interesting. Not “life regarding death of a loved one.” If you think it’s something your character absolutely has to explore, I can be okay with that. Hell, I’m filling my own head with bullshit dreams of writing a series, the entirety of which orbits around someone’s death. But if your whole deal is being a pregnant virgin or a fairy tale hero or a time-traveling bad boy… killing a mother fucker just isn’t necessary. We have enough actual death to deal with. We don’t need it in our entertainment.

With all that being said, I wanna shift gears and talk about how gay Schroeder is.

Apparently, somewhere in France, some Peanuts enthusiast thought producing one bagillion 3-minute animated shorts would be a good idea. I love me some Peanuts, so I’m not mad at whoever that was. And I’m especially not mad at whoever thought adding English vocals and airing that shit in America was a good idea. It premiered last month, but with my little ol’ DVR life, I was only able to watch the first handful of shorts today.

Why it took me so long to realize, especially with the widely known relationship between Peppermint Patty and Marcie, I don’t know. But watching Lucy fawn all over Schroeder and watching him reject her for the seven trillionth time finally made it click in my head… Schroeder is gay as fuck. First, there’s him being the vehement piano player. A man of the arts. Then there’s Lucy, a woman of the mind. Bitch is already practicing psychiatry at the age of 5-ish. A doctor. Any straight man of the arts, who knows how much money a career in such is worth, would latch onto any doctor who showed him as much attention as Lucy did. Worse comes to worst, you just be sure to never play football with her. And that’s as hard as your life has to get. UNLESS… somewhere deep down in your piano playing heart, you know you could never live without some big ol’ D in your life.

Now, I must mention that I, myself, am working as an electronic book publisher by day and a pop artist by night. I also just so happen to have married a Ph.D. student. But I actually love that bitch! I met him pre-Ph.D. and wore his promise ring prior to even knowing that he applied to a Ph.D. program. So… just sayin’.

Other than all of that… If you’re not watching The Detour, you’re missing out on something amazing. I’m too drunk to get into details, but it’s co-created by Samantha Bee (who I lovingly refer to as America’s Mom, whereas John Oliver is America’s Dad) and fellow The Daily Show alum Jason Jones. And it’s the jam. Do yourself a favor and watch all of it. Right now. The end. Bye.

Sigh. The Leftovers, Question Mark.

I just don’t fucking get The Leftovers.

I mean, I do. I get that the rapture just up and happened one day and it really fucked up everyone else who is stuck down here without Jesus and the Saints and all the prophets and yeah, yeah, God is great. (#namethattune) I even get that it led a few of the “leftover” folks to do some really crazy shit. A willfully mute cult of chain smokers who wear only white and stalk, for example. Or some dude who impregnates as many women as possible because he might die soon and you gotta spread that psychic seed, amiright? Or the least fun example: hooded monsters who stone women to death. It mostly makes sense to me that these are the terrible places where the awful people of America who were left behind would go. Whether or not it’s necessary to have a close-up shot of the face being mutilated by hurled stones is a-whole-nother blog post, which I would’ve written during season one if Qtv existed then. But since it didn’t, I’m going to shut up about it because I’d rather not relive facial bones cracking, thanking you.

That’s all beside the point, however, because this blog post… this deals with all the nonsense I don’t get. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that present, maybe I don’t pay enough attention to be able to connect the dots, maybe I’m just super forgetful, or maybe (and most probably) the writers and directors of this show put random fuckery in the middle of it for no reason.

Will the ultimate “Throwback Thursday” of that cavewoman dying from a snake bite after giving birth (thanks for that image of the bloody baby head hanging out of a vagina, by the way) make sense at some point? Should it already make sense to me? Was that bullshit all some kind of weird way to connect water to… whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be connected to in the storyline? Or was it the earthquake? Was it an earthquake?! Is every earthquake actually the fucking Lord scooping bitches up to hang out at his house?

Also, since when do high school girls run through the woods naked in the middle of the day? And why would they? That’s not what the track and field girls at my high school did. (I hope.) Was that supposed to be a quick reminder that “nature” is a thing? Or was it just an excuse to show teenage bush and tits bouncing around? Or, hell, was that just your way of saying “Epileptics can be sexy too?” Which… we all never thought otherwise. So… just saying.

And what was with that fucking goat?! Why slit its throat in the middle of a crowded diner? Was that the post-rapture equivalent of some angry PETA member splashing paint all over some poor old bag’s fur coat? Was that old PETA fogey just taking a lunchtime stand because what else is he gonna do now that all his pets are in heaven? And why did everyone act like it’s just some thing that happens sometimes, but let’s keep eating our meals because, hey… gotta eat, right? And how much clean up time did he really think he was saving himself with that tiny-ass mat he laid down? And what did that goat ever do to not get his ass raptured?! Are all goats evil, or just that little asshole?

Seriously. It’s fun to be curious about some mysterious things in a show every once in a while, but this is too much. And if I wasn’t such a silly bitch, I’d probably stop watching, but Liv Tyler (who didn’t make an appearance in the second season premiere) is amazing and Justin Theroux is fucking pretty. (Fair warning: I will probably always pull the “Pretty Card” when insisting on watching dumb shit.) If Liv Tyler doesn’t show up again, though… I’m not sure if even Justin’s magical eyelashes could keep me around.

Sidebar: If The Leftovers ever gets a devoted fandom… I really want them to call themselves Tupperware.