December Roundup, ’17

A day late, with apologies (shit’s going down behind the scenes, y’all, bear with)…

Watch This Shit:

  • Happy!

    Ever the DILF, Christopher Meloni is an ex-cop who just won’t die. He fantasizes about blowing his brains out and subsequently dancing under his anti-gravity flow of disco brain blood. And, y’all, that extremely accurate sentence isn’t even as crazy as this shit gets. The series plotline seems to be: a kidnapped girl’s imaginary friend enlists our anti-hero to find her. Think Dirk Gently meets Bing Bong. And prepare yourself for getting turned on (at a moment when you really shouldn’t) by a wino, covered in blood, dry humping a fire extinguisher.

Don’t Watch This Shit:

  • Ellen’s Game of Games

    I never thought I’d put anything by Ellen in a “Don’t” list, but… this shit’s just too messy. It’s contestants screaming their faces off after every word Ellen utters, when they’re not subjecting themselves to a whole mess of nonsense in order to maybe win money. Just stick with the talk show, the games are better there, plus everyone always wins something.

  • Stripped

    A couple of dumbasses volunteer to have every item they own taken away from them for, like, a month because why wouldn’t they. I suppose it’s top shelf TV if you like hanging out with miserable nudists.

  • Tarantula

    Nah. I was high when I watched it and it still didn’t make me laugh.

  • Tender Touches

    Badly composed and sung animated operas. Again, maybe if I were a lot higher than I currently am, but alas… nope.

And that’s it, folks. December kinda sucked. Coming soon is the final “Shit I Missed” Roundup of 2017 (which definitely won’t be posted until 2018). Also, a brand spanking new website, kids. Yeah, I’m overhauling my entire online presence. I’m still stuck at my day job, so it’ll take a minute, but ooh-wee do I feel good about this. I’m determined to get it done, so get it done I will.

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November Roundup, ’17

A day late, with apologies (shit’s going down behind the scenes, y’all, bear with)…

Watch This Shit:

  • Future Man

    Josh Hutcherson is a lame teenager who beats an unbeatable game and, as a “reward,” gets recruited by time travelers to save the world. Not dissimilar to the plots of all the lame nerd movies Josh’s characters knows and loves so well. But, #twist, this series is not so much lame! And, I must mention, he’s got a healthy cum shooting range. Which, fair warning(/advertisement)… is not as up-close-and-personal as this series will get.

  • Motherland

    A British mother gives too many fucks than she should in an attempt to impress the other moms who “happily” give way too many fucks. Thankfully, she’s got a couple definitely-don’t-give-a-fuck friends who help her out.

  • No Activity

    Are you stuck on the night shift with nothing to do except get orgasms made out of head scratches? Then, this is the series for you. I haven’t looked into it beyond watching the pilot, so I can only assume: it’s probably heavily improvised and will most likely include a metric fuck-load of guest stars.

  • She’s Gotta Have It

    So fucking necessary. #Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

  • The Trixie & Katya Show

    If you’re watching Viceland, you’re probably stoned. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably a Drag Race fan. So, this new series is everything every single one of you has ever needed.

  • Who Killed Tupac?

    If the title doesn’t give it away completely: An investigator who actually gives a shit about Tupac reopens the ridiculously unsolved murder case, as a civilian.

Meh:

  • Runaways

    Kinda boring, if I’m being real honest (which… when am I not?). I guess a bunch of kids were friends at some point, mostly because their parents were friends, and the grown folks probably killed one of the kids, cult sacrifice-style. This tore everyone apart and now one of them is extra lonely about it and is trying to reform the scooby gang. Oh, ’cause they’re also probably mutants or something? I don’t know, man. The Gifted is the official Marvel winner of this season (which is ironic since it’s the one not being run by Marvel). Also, I was going to meet James Marsters at my local comic-con this year, but Hulu wouldn’t let him leave at the last minute. So, even though there are plenty of Buffyverse alumni all over this show (I see you Kevin Weisman and Brigid Brannagh), I’m still too pissed off at Hulu to give it a good review.

  • SMILF

    Apparently single-motherhood is hella gross. And babies are fucking cute. (From an outside-looking-in/definitely-not-a-single-mother perspective.)

Don’t Watch This Shit:

  • Godless

    If it ain’t Carniv├ále or Westworld, the Old West doesn’t really interest me at all.

  • The Menendez Murders: Erik Tells All

    At some point, we have to collectively say “enough is enough,” don’t we? In terms of true crime on TV, isn’t enough enough when it’s furthering the murderers’ celebrity? Amplifying their voice? This shit used to be proper. Prison jumpers, dual static camera angles, and Barbara Walters being as judgey as one should be so that we all didn’t have to be. Now it’s “Watch my special, y’all, I got this bitch on the phone.” This is the “Like my status” of homicide.