February Roundup, 2017

Howdy, folks. Here’s the new series from last month that sounded interesting enough to watch. As always, the actually really interesting stuff is in bold.

Watch this shit:

  • Big Little Lies

    Almost put this in “meh,” to be honest. There’s some great talent attached, but it’s a little odd. It’s basically mostly wealthy parents of 1st graders dealing with being parents of 1st graders. And also a murder. But I’m not exactly sure who the hell was murdered. It’d be one thing for the mystery to be who the killer is, but to not know who died or if you’re supposed to feel sorry for them… sorry, I’m not seeing the intrigue there.

  • Crashing

    A Jesus freak comedian’s comedians show. Plus a lot of woe is me. I’m a bit turned off by the fact that Lauren Lapkus isn’t supposed to be likable in this, because I love the crap out of her.

  • Doubt

    Court room drama featuring Laverne Mo’fuckin’ Cox as a badass series regular. Also featuring Katherine Heigl a bit more than she should be featured. Honestly, the show is much more interesting when it’s not about her. Dreama Walker saves the day, though.EDIT: When getting the link for the series, I found out that the show had been cancelled after airing just two episodes.Which made me chuckle at first, but then I realized Trump supporters would probably use it as an example of why trans people shouldn’t be hired for leading roles (that is, if they gave enough of a shit about Doubt to complain, but apparently no one watched it so it won’t matter much). In reality, though, the problem is Katherine goddamned Heigl. STOP GIVING HER LEADING ROLES. It has never and will never work out. Gurl, bye.

  • Imposters

    Definitely tries to be a lot funnier than the show was marketed as, which is a little disappointing, to be honest. I was expecting more of a con artist thriller than a buddy cop comedy. But I’ll keep watching because I can’t be mad at my future second husband, Parker Young.

  • Legion

    X-Men, Interrupted. From the genius behind the Fargo series. So. Worth. Your. Time.

  • Madiba

    If historical biographies are your thing, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything more interesting (and timely) than one based on Nelson Mandela.

  • Powerless

    Superheroes meets Bryan Fullerstyle cuteness. If you’re liking The Good Place, you’ll probably enjoy this.

  • Santa Clarita Diet

    Quirky zombie goodness. Could probably use a different director, but finds a great stride about halfway through the pilot.

  • Superior Donuts

    With Katey Sagal and Judd Hirsch, you’ve got some powerful sitcom vets. Add to that some social commentary and munchies jokes and you’ve got yourself a pretty good series.

  • When We Rise

    Gay liberation amazingness. Fucking beautiful and heartwarming and gut-wrenching and inspiring and revolutionary and goddamn perfect.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • APB

    Ugh. Police officers are women of color. But they can only get the job done when a rich white dude comes into play? No, thank you. Even with the goodness that is Justin Kirk.

  • Bellevue

    Anna Paquin‘s a drunk mess. But also a cop. And she laughs real maniacally, while almost-fucking junkies in need of anger management. Because drama? Again… no, thank you. Though, there is an apparently trans person. But still… no, thank you. Including a much-needed minority character does not make your story interesting enough to be told. No matter how mother fucking needed that minority character is in today’s film climate. (EDIT: Hello again, Doubt.)

The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious

    Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.

  • Mariah’s World

    I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.

  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas

    Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.

  • The Wall

    Who wants to be aPLINKO!”

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted

    This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events

    I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.

  • Beyond

    Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.

  • Caraoke Showdown

    Musical Cash Cab, hosted by the great Craig Robinson.

  • Emerald City

    Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.

  • Mary Kills People

    Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.

  • The Mick

    Bad Teacher meets Uncle Buck. It has its moments. Three cheers for Carla Jimenez.

  • One Day at a Time

    Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.

  • Riverdale

    Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.

  • Sneaky Pete

    Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.

  • Spy in the Wild

    Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.

  • Throwing Shade

    If John Oliver is America’s dad and Samantha Bee is America’s mom, then Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson are attempting to be America’s gay uncle and sassy aunt, respectively.

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan

    “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.

  • Hunted

    Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

Braindead Olympics

No, this is not a post about Ryan Lochte’s dumb ass. This is about a little ol’ TV junkie with a full time job and general shit to do. So, when the Olympic games roll around, and new episodes of series stop airing for a couple weeks, it gives plenty of time for said junkie to catch up on the shows he’s missed. Because, let’s keep it real… the Olympics are for ogling attractive people, which makes national fucking news coverage anyway, so you’re not gonna miss anything important if you don’t watch any of it.

It also works well as a distraction from all the presidential election fuckery that may be going on. Seeing as how it’s the Drumpf show, it’s a very welcome distraction. Unfortunately, though, he may be why not a whole lot of people have been watching Braindead, CBS’ scifi political dramedy. It could also be that eye-roll inducing genre. But, folks, I’m here to tell you: this show is good. Really good. Good enough for you to watch. And you should. So do it. Please and thank you.

To sum it up extremely simply, so as not to thoroughly spoil, the explanation for Donald Trump lies in this series. You see, alien (though they don’t prefer the term) bugs have been crawling into unlucky birches’ ears, eating halves of their brains, and subsequently taking over most of the other halves in the process. What results is a straight-laced, easily angered, oligarchy-aspiring, “You Might Think“-obsessed person trying to take shit over. Or, if you’re one of the lucky few, you’ll be a self-aware, horny and dancing booze hound trying to get the bugs out before they do any real damage.

And it’s funny! And creepy! Laughs and goosebumps abound. And, on a somewhat-serious note, at the heart of the story are two people, from opposite ends of the political spectrum, working together to fix shit. If that’s not exactly what this mess of a country needs right now, I don’t know what is.

So, I’ll leave it at that. What the world needs now… are bugs, sweet bugs.

(Just kidding, it needs Hillary. Because I’m not a selfish asshole who doesn’t give a shit about minorities or a ridiculous child with delusions of grandeur chock-full of false conviction and ego.)

(Sorry, I know I just talked about us all needing to work together.)

(But, for real, some people are just such assholes.)

Pants, Trains, and Editor Layoffs

I. Love. Scorpion. Like, a lot.

I want to turn straight and marry Paige just so I can adopt Ralph as my son and hang out with him all day and have him teach me things. I think it’s literally impossible for anyone to be any cuter than him.

The jams these kooky kids seem to get themselves into may be highly improbable (check me out using smart people words like “improbable!”), but the stories are generally told well enough to overlook it. That being said… the folks behind the scenes need new editors. Random continuity bullshit keeps popping up that just annoys the piss out of me. Let’s talk about the last episode which had Happy hanging upside-down from her pant leg and having to take her pants off in order to cut loose. Take that for what it is and it seems like a perfectly acceptable excuse to get a women in her underwear. Add to the scenario the massive black boots she somehow managed to slide through her skinny jeans and continued to wear post-hang… it becomes a really poor and lazy excuse to get a chick in her panties. Then there’s the latest episode which had the speeding, fully automated (i.e. no driver) train headed straight for Walter and Happy, who are greezin’ up the tracks (that’s supposed to slow the train down somehow because: smart people). Just before they both successfully got out of the way of the fully automated train with no driver… it honked at them. You’d think a show about geniuses would be built by people who wouldn’t make such stupid mistakes.

Other than that fuckery, it’s a thoroughly entertaining show. The action is not obnoxious, nor is it cliché. The drama also sits at a nice, not-over-the-top resting place since the genius mind isn’t exactly capable of normal human emotion at all times. What’s perfect about that is how much more impactful it is when they are actual regular-ass people who feel shit. I mean, Walter waving at Paige through the window of the speeding train because it might be their last time ever seeing each other… I. CAN’T!

I’m keeping this short because I’ve got pizza to devour, so I’ll say “Watch this shit” and call it a day.

P.S. Peri Gilpin all day and night. The end.