August Roundup, ’17

As of this writing, I have made it all the way through my DVR to February 27th. I think it’s time to face the facts. This is officially a pilot microreview (…’s a word, yes? No? Did I just invent it? ™, bitches.) blog. For I will never, ever catch up. With that in mind:

Watch this shit:

  • The Defenders

    If you’re not aware, Defenders is the culmination of four separate Marvel/Netflix series that all exist in the MCU. To say the least, they vary in goodness (as in… one of the four kinda sucked). And, seriously, from the very first shot, Defenders was already better than Iron Fist. Not a difficult feat, granted…

    What is difficult is seamlessly merging four very different shows into one. The first of its kind, if I’m remembering correctly. If every AHS season eventually does connect, that’ll be Ryan Murphy‘s attempt at replicating this, but I don’t foresee anything similar happening any time soo- …. I just remembered the dumb week-long crossovers they did for all those damn CW shows this past season. So, there was that. (Sidebar: eyeroll at that bullshit Flash/Supergirl musical. Once More, with Feeling or bust.)

    Incorrect tangents aside: they do an okay job at keeping the feel of each individual series in the first Defenders episode. I was hoping for a bit more pace, but we’re left without the core four actually hooking up with each other. We do get a dying Sigourney Weaver apparently initiating the demise of New York City via earthquake, though. And Jessica Jones‘ outgoing answering machine message. (“Wrong. Number.”) Which, honestly, is reason enough to watch the entire series. And everything Krysten Ritter has ever done, ever.

  • The Guest Book

    Abed (’cause I literally can’t think of him as any other character) is a horny husband and father, married to Lauren Lapkus who’s an exhausted wife and mother who understandably isn’t trying to fuck. But then the cabin saves them by being a cabin! And that’s all I’d say about this series, if that’s what it was about. This little mini-review would be sitting below in the “Meh” category and that would be that. However comma… *twist* It’s an anthology series! And every episode is completely different, featuring a new story about new people staying in the aforementioned cabin of curativeness!

    So, if you liked Easy, but wish Orlando Bloom was actually funny… check this series out.

  • The Sinner

    It means something when Jessica Biel stabs a man to death during family day at the beach, bur her husband is still more unlikable. Not sure if that means Jessica Biel is an amazing actress or if Christopher Abbott is the fucking worst.

  • Weekend Update

    SNL cashing in on the success of their last season which, honestly, they absolutely deserve to. If you’re itching for a Jost/Che fix, chock full of cameos, then Lorne Michaels is your new best good friend.

  • The Tick

    Fun, silly, superhero romp of silly silliness. With just enough twinge of seriousness to make it compelling. Also, that psycho from The Following is all normal-sauce! It’s so refreshing!

Meh:

  • Marlon

    Marlon Wayans (easily the most annoying Wayans, hence: “meh”) is being raised by his ex-wife. As are their two kids. He’s also a YouTube pranker. (It’s as if the producers asked “How do we make an annoying person more annoying?”)

  • Mr. Mercedes

    A 20-something kid destined for incest-induced matricide put on a clown mask and killed a bunch of folks who were trying to get jobs (Thanks, Donald!). Actually, the killer klown may not have been the kid in question. But, honestly… I mean, come on, his mother licked his teeth. He’s definitely killing something or other at some point. Anyway, this show is actually less about him and more about the retired cop who can’t let go of the unsolved employment-seeker murders. He’s foreign and his neighbor wants to fuck the shit out of him, as does his favorite waitress at his brunch hot spot. ‘Cause, in case you’re unaware: when you’re old, overweight, hairy, male, and generally un-Statue-of-David-esque: you’re still fuckable (Thanks, Stephen King!).

  • The Lowe Files

    If rich folks bro-ing out and hunting ghosts is your thing, then you’ll love Rob Lowe & Less Attractive Sons.

And that’s all, folks! Nothing too terrible this month. Live long and watch. And donate to Harvey relief. And don’t listen to Republicans when they blame homosexuality. Peace.

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November Roundup

Things are slowing down for the year, folks. The list below is a short one. Might not do another roundup until mid-season officially starts.

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

See? So few new shows that I don’t even have anything to tell you that you definitely shouldn’t watch! I’d say it was a great month if it weren’t for all you fucking morons that didn’t vote for Hillary.

Anyways… Now that the new series have stopped premiering, I’ll probably force myself to quit being lazy and start actually writing review-y shit again. (But no promises…)

Death, Peanuts, & Detours

If you’ve been feeling like every show on television can’t seem to get through this season without killing someone… it’s probably because that’s exactly how the fuck it is. And, gurl, it’s getting tiresome. In the past month alone (give or take a few days), I’ve had to tell the following unlucky bitches to rest in peace:

And that’s just the shows I actually watch. Not to mention #TheLexaPledge. I don’t even know Lexa (having never seen an episode of The 100), but her death has managed to spark a revolution involving writers and producers of shows I do watch. Also, Castle‘s over or something? Again, a show I’ve never watched, though I do know that actors’ contracts were being reupped for another season which became moot once news of the main character’s death started being reported and left the fans outraged and belligerent enough for the network to pull the plug all-together.

Is this not reason enough for writers to stop thinking “Who can we kill?” If not, I don’t know what the hell will be.

I took a seat and really wondered where this all started. The best I could come up with is: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and hashtags are to blame. These are two shows which, one could argue, are about death. I welcome any and all hate mail and trolling about how they’re both “so much more than that,” but you have to admit that they are, at least partly, about mother fuckers dying. And that shit trends like nobody’s business. You’ll usually get applauded by critics for following the beat of your own drum, but in terms of Facebook and Twitter… you get rewarded for following the beat of the loudest drum. So, of course every network executive is cramming “KILL BITCHES” down every writer’s throat. But, again… the shit is getting OLD. Life is more interesting. Not “life regarding death of a loved one.” If you think it’s something your character absolutely has to explore, I can be okay with that. Hell, I’m filling my own head with bullshit dreams of writing a series, the entirety of which orbits around someone’s death. But if your whole deal is being a pregnant virgin or a fairy tale hero or a time-traveling bad boy… killing a mother fucker just isn’t necessary. We have enough actual death to deal with. We don’t need it in our entertainment.

With all that being said, I wanna shift gears and talk about how gay Schroeder is.

Apparently, somewhere in France, some Peanuts enthusiast thought producing one bagillion 3-minute animated shorts would be a good idea. I love me some Peanuts, so I’m not mad at whoever that was. And I’m especially not mad at whoever thought adding English vocals and airing that shit in America was a good idea. It premiered last month, but with my little ol’ DVR life, I was only able to watch the first handful of shorts today.

Why it took me so long to realize, especially with the widely known relationship between Peppermint Patty and Marcie, I don’t know. But watching Lucy fawn all over Schroeder and watching him reject her for the seven trillionth time finally made it click in my head… Schroeder is gay as fuck. First, there’s him being the vehement piano player. A man of the arts. Then there’s Lucy, a woman of the mind. Bitch is already practicing psychiatry at the age of 5-ish. A doctor. Any straight man of the arts, who knows how much money a career in such is worth, would latch onto any doctor who showed him as much attention as Lucy did. Worse comes to worst, you just be sure to never play football with her. And that’s as hard as your life has to get. UNLESS… somewhere deep down in your piano playing heart, you know you could never live without some big ol’ D in your life.

Now, I must mention that I, myself, am working as an electronic book publisher by day and a pop artist by night. I also just so happen to have married a Ph.D. student. But I actually love that bitch! I met him pre-Ph.D. and wore his promise ring prior to even knowing that he applied to a Ph.D. program. So… just sayin’.

Other than all of that… If you’re not watching The Detour, you’re missing out on something amazing. I’m too drunk to get into details, but it’s co-created by Samantha Bee (who I lovingly refer to as America’s Mom, whereas John Oliver is America’s Dad) and fellow The Daily Show alum Jason Jones. And it’s the jam. Do yourself a favor and watch all of it. Right now. The end. Bye.