The All-the-shit-I-missed Roundup! ’17

If the current state of my May calendar is any indication, it’s gonna be a slow month for series premieres. (Sidebar: If you’re not using EpisodeCalendar.com, what are you doing with your life?) Except, of course, for Twin Peaks, mother fuckers! (Though, that’s technically just a new season. Suffice to say, watch that shit.) So, here’s everything I somehow missed in my total mess of a life full of DVR backlog madness. As always, the real good shit is in bold.

P.S.: You may or may not be able to tell that I got myself a Seeso subscription. ‘Cause I definitely needed another gotdanged platform on which to watch way too much television. Anyway, they have shit worth watching. Consider this my official Seeso plug.

Watch this shit:

  • The Breaks

    If you’re as confused as I was about why the first episode of the series started with a “Previously on…,” then you probably had no idea either that The Breaks started as a made-for-TV movie last year. The movie does a great job of setting up the series, but the first episode itself doesn’t do the same. So, I wouldn’t devote time to this series unless you plan to watch the movie first. With all that said: The movie and the series (though, albeit a bit slower than the film) are worth watching. Its a fictionalized account of 80’s kids loving Hip-Hop and trying to make their 90’s careers revolve around it. Chock-full of throwback jams which VH1 ironically never dared to play back when the series takes place. And even more ironically: The Breaks is moving to BET for its second season. So, VH1 sort of still refuses to play it.

  • Brown Girls

    A web series centering around two women of color being single, sexually active, and not vapid. We need so much more of this. Period.

  • Carters Get Rich

    Super cute British sitcom about a young boy who accidentally creates the “next big thing” (all because he wanted to be able to talk to a girl) and makes his family £10 million.

  • Dave & Ethan: Lovemakers

    Okay, here’s what really hooked me: About 00:58 seconds into the first episode, Ethan does one hell of a spin. That’s really all I needed to add this to the “Watch” list. It definitely wasn’t the fucking verbally abusive, incredibly boring, hella controlling, complete-lack-of-any-remotely-positive-character-trait-having Real World cast member who happened to be the bachelor of this ultra-unique dating game show/sketch show hybrid.

  • Debate Wars

    I have an uncomfortable crush on Michael Ian Black. His jaw is huge, and yet somehow appealing. I don’t understand it, I just know it is what it is. This series is essentially comedians vs. comedians, concerning the most mundane high school debate team topics possible (i.e. “pie vs. cake”).

    #itseveninoururinals #cakeprivilege #cakeriarchy #onastoveinapan #toporbottom #bigfrosting #windowsillthieves #facesmash #cakeisalie #cheesecakeispie #cakewashing #bigbake #pizzaispie #weareallpie #fucknotallcakes #piedantic #pieunsarelife #piedontfuckaround #thecakeisalie #whatjasonbiggshadsexwithinthatmovie #pieistruth

    (If you haven’t noticed… I’m #teampie)

    Also, Gilbert Gottfried being Gilbert Gottfried.

  • Detroiters

    A Seth Meyers alum and the fucking outstanding human being that is Sam Richardson try to be Mad Men in present-day Detroit. There’s well-timed vomit, shattered (not broken) glass, very old drugs, and the choice of hot or cold beer. What more could you want? Watch it. #whatsupdoc

  • Feud

    A retelling of the alleged (come on, it fuckin’ happened) real-life feud between Bette and Joan, focusing on the making of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. It’s quintessentially Ryan Murphy (“Ryan Murphy” is a verb here, not a noun), so it’s got a touch of the exaggerated. But, hey, Jessica Lange is back on our TV screens and Susan Sarandon is back doing what she does best (specifically: not supporting a bound-to-lose presidential candidate and fucking shit up for the rest of us).

  • Five by Five

    A pretty exceptional series of short films. Each of the five episodes only lasts about 5 minutes (get it?) and they each follow individuals whose stories interconnect. Definitely worth a watch, if you can do so.

  • The History of Comedy

    A great documentary series. First episode mainly focuses on all the bad words I type way too often in this here blog. If you like docs and you like laughing, watch it.

  • I Like You Just the Way I Am

    A fun little web series written by and starring Jenny Mollen. You may remember her as the werewolf you hated on Angel, or Chelsea Handler‘s friend. She’s a good time.

  • Jeff & Some Aliens

    The first official spinoff of TripTank (which, if you didn’t know, is an insane batch of animation sketches, à la Liquid Television). Jeff’s your average Joe who happens to be living with a few aliens sent to Earth to study everyone and see if they’re worth not killing. Cue: mayhem.

  • My Brother, My Brother and Me

    Three brothers who give advice, make each other laugh a lot, and somehow make you wish you were in on the joke. Basically the 21st century version of an advice column that is worth watching, if for nothing more than chuckles. #toystorylife

    Also, they hunt ghosts. ‘Cause, why wouldn’t they?

    #hishandsaremadeofbones

  • Rebel

    A badass cop who is having NONE OF IT. You wouldn’t think a show about an unarmed black man being murdered by cops would make me happy, but in this tale, the victim’s sister is a cop who was at the scene and did everything she could to prevent his death. So, you’d better believe she’s gonna do everything she can to get his death avenged. We’re finally getting a new perspective on these real-life situations that the media loves to spin into victim-shaming and race-baiting. It might get a little overdramatic at times, but this one’s definitely worth a watch.

  • Shrink

    A therapist living in a world that doesn’t want him to be a therapist. Humor ensues. #armageddonlove

  • Star

    I kind of can’t believe I forgot to put this on the list way back in December, but, hey, I’m human. My bad. This comes from the beautiful mind of Lee Daniels. I do enjoy Empire, but honestly, it gets a bit too soap opera-y at times for my taste. Though, it does get silly, Star still manages to feel gritty and real. In a nutshell: it’s the birth of a girl group, with a whole-lot-more drama crammed into that shell than I can get into in this description. But definitely check it out.

  • Time: The Kalief Browder Story

    A fucking outstanding docuseries showing exactly how horribly the American criminal justice system fails, by way of one of its victims.

  • Z: The Beginning of Everything

    Zelda Fitzgerald before, during, and after the happy part of her marriage with F. Scott. Christina Ricci is the jam and that is all I have to say about that.

Meh:

  • Cardinal

    Pretty generic investigation drama, but Billy Campbell is usually a good time and Karine Vanasse is always a good time.

  • The Collection

    A fairly gritty take on the Paris fashion scene that was. Chock-full of men trying to have successful careers (one of whom gets beaten to a bloody pulp for daring to have orgasms) and the women who exist to help them. Whether it be by being their rich trophy wives, their seamstresses, their models, or their gangsters. The first episode was okay enough for me to plan on watching episode 2, but not okay enough to make it to the “Definitely Watch This Series” list.

    P.S. It took me a good minute to place Jenna Thiam, but when I realized that she was from The Returned, it made me extra-happy because she is fan-fucking-tastic.

  • Ghosts in the Hood

    The latest in a long line of ghost hunting crews. This one goes downtown, though. And they’ve got a comedian whose sole purpose is to crack jokes. More ghost hunting teams should take note of that, honestly. The only reason this one’s listed in “Meh” is because the Ghost Brothers manage to be even funnier than said comedian.

  • Hip Hop Squares

    A much crazier version of Hollywood Squares. Worth a watch, unless you’re not a Hip-Hop fan. And Tiffany Haddish is literally taking over the world. That is all.

  • Tattoo Girls

    Your run-of-the-mill tattoo shop show, except this one’s all-women and, shock and awe, they manage to fight about guys in the first two episodes. Big ol’ meh.

  • Three Days to Live

    If you like sensationalized true crime, this series is yours to love. If the title isn’t enough explanation for you, it deals with kidnapped people who, statistically, have three days to be found alive by law enforcement. There are two reasons why it’s not on the “Do Not Watch” list. 1) It shows the immense strength of women. 2) It’s narrated by Suchin Pak. I don’t think she would devote her time to bullshit, no matter how big the paycheck.

Don’t watch this shit:

  • 13 Reasons Why

    It’s just plain irresponsible. Sorry. To portray suicide as the only way out, to place the blame of suicide on everything but mental health, and to create the illusion that the more creative a suicide note can get, the more power you have in death… It’s. Just. Fucking. Irresponsible. DO. NOT. WATCH. THIS.

  • Fancy Boy

    Some kind of American/Aussie nonsense comedy hybrid that doesn’t create a lot of laughs. Pass.

  • Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am

    Cisfemale actors portraying men isn’t any funnier than cismale actors portraying women, and that’s really all I have to say about that.

    I lied, I have more to say: I mean… I’m all for female empowerment, but if you’re gonna write a song about how periods are hilarious, I’m gonna need you to make it a good song. Okay, the end. Bye.

The Decnuary Roundup (Dec ’16/Jan ’17)

I’m getting back on track. S. L. O. W. L. Y. (But I’m probably never going to be able to post about anything immediately after it airs until bitches pay me enough to quit my day job. Just sayin’.) So, here it go (real extra good shit that you need to watch in bold):

December

Watch this shit:

Meh

(a.k.a. Watch it or don’t, but either way it’s not the greatest ever):

  • Delicious
    • Wasn’t terrible, but definitely didn’t hook me. If you’re into “narrated from beyond the grave”-type shit, that happens to be British and also includes food, then this is your bag.
  • Mariah’s World
    • I mean… it is what it is. If you like reality shows about famous people being famous, here you go.
  • Terry Crews Saves Christmas
    • Cute holiday fun. Even better if you wait to binge it until after the world explodes because dumb assholes couldn’t stand female e-mails.
  • The Wall

Guilty Pleasure:

  • The Deleted
    • This utter nonsense is about horny kids who don’t own shirts and apparently escaped a cult because the milk they were served was drugs. And one of them might also be a psychotic robot. Need I say more?

January:

Watch this shit:

  • A Series of Unfortunate Events
    • I was sort of prepared to not be interested in this show, but my husband was all about it, so we watched it together. I was won over, folks. It’s a real good time.
  • Beyond
    • Just your average, wholesome, all-American “aliens are making shit float in the woods” coming-of-age-in-a-12-year-coma story. Definitely worth your time.
  • Caraoke Showdown
  • Emerald City
    • Probably about as dark and realistic a take on Oz that we’ve seen.
  • Mary Kills People
    • Essentially, it’s Dr. Mary Kevorkian. Not the greatest pilot ever, but Caroline Dhavernas is amazing and I trust her choices. So, I’ll keep watching.
  • The Mick
  • One Day at a Time
    • Cuban family drama, love, and happiness. Seriously, such a good show.
  • Riverdale
    • Other than it being based on the Archie comics, it’s not really any different from your typical high school drama. Except maybe the murder mystery? Not that it makes it a bad series, mind you. Just don’t expect anything ground breaking is all I’m saying.
  • Sneaky Pete
    • Giovanni Ribisi‘s crazy Scientology-loving-dumbass is an ex-con/future re-con. Not mad at it, but it’s not my new favorite thing.
  • Spy in the Wild
    • Fucking crazy-town first-person point of view of animals in their natural habitats. Some really amazing sights.
  • Throwing Shade

Meh

(a.k.a. You fuckin’ get it, this shit probably sucks):

  • Big Fan
    • “Big fans” have a trivia face-off against celebrities about those celebrities. Unless you’re as big a fan of the celebrity as their stalkers are, the show really won’t mean that much to you.
  • Hunted
    • Truly meh. I tried watching the original UK version before this series, and it got boring real quick. This US version explains just a bit more of how they find these voluntary “fugitives,” but that doesn’t really make it any more interesting.

Fuck Supergirl.

I was going to write a really late post about how good Ash vs. Evil Dead is, but I have to talk about Jessica Jones instead.

I’ve never been a comics guy. My foray into that world is a result of Buffy Season Eight, Angel: After the Fall, and the current iterations of the two. The success of those series continuations led to Charmed: Season 9 and The X-Files Season 10, both of which I tried really hard to get into, but the massive amount of daily television nonsense I watch eats up all of my reading time. I explain all of this just to say: I’d never even heard of Jessica Jones before Netflix said “We’re gonna make her into a series with Marvel and them.” As I’m sure it’s well known by now, Jessica Jones is the second in a string of five Marvel series Netflix is producing, the first of which was Daredevil. Now, I had seen Ben Affleck do his thing when it was on HBO (back when I lived off my Mom’s cable) and I wasn’t mad at it, so watching the series seemed like the thing to do mostly because of that, but also because of Deborah Ann Woll (if you’ve read my previous posts, you’ve probably picked up on my thing for chicks with power), and especially because of Drew Goddard (the writer of most of my favorite Buffy episodes) who created the series and was going to be the showrunner, but stepped down and was replaced by Steven S. DeKnight who happens to be another Buffy alum. So, seriously, all corners of my globe were directing me to Daredevil. And I’m not mad at my globe’s corners for doing so because I fucking loved Daredevil. If that weren’t reason enough (it was) to watch Jessica Jones, then the bitch in apartment 23 (arguably, one of the best sitcoms ever) was going to do the trick. After the casting announcement was made, it was just a waiting game for the premiere. In the interim came Supergirl.

Sigh. Fuckin’ Supergirl. The series based on the SNL skit making fun of what a female superhero story would be.

I suppose it’s meant for girls. Girl girls. Young pre-teens who need a “good girl” to look up to. Though, why CBS thinks they’re suddenly catering to pre-teens is beyond me. The thing that really gets to me about Supergirl, though, is that it doesn’t actually give a shit about women. Every shot of Calista Flockhart has a ridiculous blurry filter over it, because God forbid a women look her age. And every time Supergirl herself speaks, it’s only to say that she is real extra not Superman, as if standing on her own isn’t possible without making it clear that she’ll never actually be alone because there’s that manly man in her life. (Note: I gave it a more-than-fair chance. Three episodes worth of a fair chance, to be exact, and there was something to be annoyed at in every single one.)

So, there was that piece of garbage making me that much more excited for Jessica Jones. Based on the trailer, is she a proper role model for young girls? She doesn’t give a fuck about what the S on her chest looks like, so I guess not.

But she does tell it like it is, at least.

jessicajonesfacebook

At this point, the universe had screamed at me enough. I definitely got the hint. But if I’m keeping it really real… this comment sent me over the edge. A chick with power who can kick your entire ass and not give a shit about it… the fact that this was a show I could not not watch was officially cemented. Which brings us to today. Sadly, a day after its release. I, being the perfect, wonderful, amazing husband that I am, had to wait for my husband to be ready to watch it which meant the binge party had to wait.

Being only one episode in, I can surmise that… I am Jessica Jones. By which I mean I can relate to that chick on an epic scale. I can’t fly and I can’t pick up cars, but I sure do understand needing to pass out in order to sleep. Staying away from people so as to not get hurt by them? Me. Using mantras to calm an anxiety attack? All too familiar with that shit. A killer head of thick-ass black hair? Ask my flatiron, gurl.

Jessica is not a bad person, she just doesn’t know it. Her sister (or ex-lover, or college roommate, or clingy ex co-worker… not super clear who she is yet), on the other hand, sees every good side of her that she’s unable or, really, unwilling to. In fact, when she does let it happen, when she lets the smile that crawls onto her face from deep within crack even the slightest bit… things inevitably fall apart. Once upon a time, mystery blonde convinced Jessica to use her super strength for good and, though we’re not given specifics yet, it’s pretty clear that it didn’t end well.  Her particular PTSD-worthy trauma is unique in that the person who’s hurt her the most is her. Or, more specifically, the person who hurt her the most did so through her. If you haven’t watched it yet and you have no idea what I mean, allow me to thoroughly spoil with my normal brand of nonsense:

Dr. Who‘s purple now and he controls bitches with his mind, Vampire Diaries compulsion-style. If he says “Don’t move,” expect to eventually piss the bed you happen to be lying in when he said it. If he says “Kill some bitches” and hands you a gun, expect your trigger finger to go wild.

Maybe you’re on episode 13 by now, but I’m not, so I still don’t know exactly what he made Jessica do, but if it’s at all clear from the state of her life and her immediate desire to fly to Hong Kong at the thought of him possibly being back in her life…. it couldn’t have been a whirligig of fun.

And that, my friends, is pretty much the gist of the show. She looks good in black, rocks the hell out of a big, gray scarf, makes her money investigating cases that her psuedo-boss (adulterous, lesbian Trinity) throws her way, she regrets using people for anxiety relieving sex (especially when they’re hot bar-backs whom she knows has a main chick that isn’t her), and then there’s her admittedly slightly inappropriate stalking (that we’ll go ahead and call “investigating”). It’s all coping mechanisms. It’s her trying to get to tomorrow while suffering through her yesterdays. The turning point comes at the end of the episode when, as her assumed track record would have you come to expect, the good she thought she did turned very, very bad. At the metaphoric fork, she chooses the road less traveled and decides to fight back. Rather than add another failed yesterday, she’s gonna calm her damaged mind by listing the streets she grew up on and she’s gonna do it as she fucks up that purple dude so she can sleep into tomorrow. She’s gonna do the damn thing and I defy any viewer to be mad at it.

Any viewer except my husband, of course, who has terrible taste and decided he doesn’t want to watch episode two. What’s great about that is: I don’t have to wait to binge the shit out of the rest of the episodes, so there just might be a “MY MIND IS BLOWN” post about the rest of the series in a couple days. Until then, to sum up:

Fuck Supergirl.

Retraction #2: Limitless Isn’t.

Pun success!

I previously stated that I couldn’t say anything negative about anything Jennifer Carpenter-related. Unfortunately, that was a lie. But only a little one. ‘Cause I’m still not mad at her; or the show, really. But it’s got its issues and I’ve got the screen caps to prove it.

Specifically… Limitless has managed to reach its “funny” limit. But probably not forever. I think it’s just going to take some time for the writers to hit their comedic stride. Using Uno cards for Baccarat does not the “lulz” bring. (Yeah. There’s also that. When “lulz” is in a script… it’s not funny. No matter how ironic or cute you think it is.)

limitless-lulz

Then there’s this Spy vs. Spy, Angel vs. Angelus type of bullshit. It’s annoying. But I suppose it’s better than constant narration, if, for whatever reason, the writers feel like a singular conversation is the only acceptable form of exposition.

limitless-angelus

Also, Bradley Cooper isn’t Brian’s dealer. He’s his Methadone clinic.

So, I retract.

I was right about Joe Blow’s clothes not doing his body justice, though.

limitless-asiandoctorlove

You’re welcome.

PS: What’s the deal with Cruella De Model from Cycle 21 popping up on a channel surf, though? Is CBS having some fun-pokes at The CW? The #shade of it all!

limitless-cruella