AHS: ?6 = :(

I’m extremely disappointed with this season’s American Horror Story. So far, at least.

It could very well be because I, myself, watch the nonsense that is My Haunted House, and list it among my guilty pleasures. Ya’ know, the things I shouldn’t admit to watching because they’re so stupid that I should be ashamed that I enjoy them. But I fucking do, man. I do.

So, if this entire season is nothing but cheesy recreations of the tales which actors sitting in a room are telling, with the same monotone voices the My Haunted House producers make their actors use when recounting their haunted tales… (Because, let’s face it, they are actors. Most normal people don’t speak that way. Especially not most “haunted” people. There’s gonna be missing teeth and southern drawls, if we’re keeping it really real.) then this is gonna be a mess.

That’s really all I have to say about this. Except that I hope it gets better. I hope that they switch things up, and end up delving into the “real lives” of the reenactors in the fake series. It’d be much more interesting if they actually got their asses haunted, while filming the hauntings of the “real” people they’re playing. ‘Cause if not, this shit is going to get exhausting real quick.

Not to mention… I am much more than slightly obsessed with the mythology behind Roanoke. I found out that Croatoan was the theme of this season before I watched the first episode, and it sent me flying over the god damn moon. So, to then be smacked across the face with this dumb, generic horror “docuseries” bullshit… I don’t know if I can thoroughly explain the disappointment.

P.S.: Also, seriously… why, if the ratings are getting lower by the season, do you try to reinvigorate the series by completely ripping off a sub-par series?! None of this makes any sense to me.
P.P.S.: If you’ve never seen My Haunted House, count your lucky stars, but also watch a full episode here. If for no other reason than to get a full understanding of how similar this shit is. For real, I’m expecting a lawsuit against Ryan Murphy any day now.

Braindead Olympics

No, this is not a post about Ryan Lochte’s dumb ass. This is about a little ol’ TV junkie with a full time job and general shit to do. So, when the Olympic games roll around, and new episodes of series stop airing for a couple weeks, it gives plenty of time for said junkie to catch up on the shows he’s missed. Because, let’s keep it real… the Olympics are for ogling attractive people, which makes national fucking news coverage anyway, so you’re not gonna miss anything important if you don’t watch any of it.

It also works well as a distraction from all the presidential election fuckery that may be going on. Seeing as how it’s the Drumpf show, it’s a very welcome distraction. Unfortunately, though, he may be why not a whole lot of people have been watching Braindead, CBS’ scifi political dramedy. It could also be that eye-roll inducing genre. But, folks, I’m here to tell you: this show is good. Really good. Good enough for you to watch. And you should. So do it. Please and thank you.

To sum it up extremely simply, so as not to thoroughly spoil, the explanation for Donald Trump lies in this series. You see, alien (though they don’t prefer the term) bugs have been crawling into unlucky birches’ ears, eating halves of their brains, and subsequently taking over most of the other halves in the process. What results is a straight-laced, easily angered, oligarchy-aspiring, “You Might Think“-obsessed person trying to take shit over. Or, if you’re one of the lucky few, you’ll be a self-aware, horny and dancing booze hound trying to get the bugs out before they do any real damage.

And it’s funny! And creepy! Laughs and goosebumps abound. And, on a somewhat-serious note, at the heart of the story are two people, from opposite ends of the political spectrum, working together to fix shit. If that’s not exactly what this mess of a country needs right now, I don’t know what is.

So, I’ll leave it at that. What the world needs now… are bugs, sweet bugs.

(Just kidding, it needs Hillary. Because I’m not a selfish asshole who doesn’t give a shit about minorities or a ridiculous child with delusions of grandeur chock-full of false conviction and ego.)

(Sorry, I know I just talked about us all needing to work together.)

(But, for real, some people are just such assholes.)

Too Many LGBTQIA To Change

And by “change” I mean “make louder, make prouder, make less afraid,” and “make stronger.” That’s what they want us to think. The anti- crowd. The either rich, white, country, cis, male, straight, religious or all of the above folks who are against anything that isn’t exactly like them.

Too many, tomahto.
We love a challenge.

Having lived in Florida for ten years, waking up to the news Sunday morning involved more than just that. It involved the horrendous wait to hear back from my friends in Orlando. And the constant prayers that their phones weren’t the ones endlessly ringing inside Pulse. Thankfully, everyone I know has confirmed their safety. But some of them aren’t that lucky. There is one degree of separation between myself and a murder victim, killed for being just like me.

The last time a national tragedy hit so close to home was 9/11, the news of which broke during 10th grade Biology. Born and raised in New York, I vividly remember the line of cars outside my high school, which seemed like it stretched on for miles, and the frantic mothers running from the cars to reach their kids whose fathers (they were still waiting to hear from) were dying in the towers.

One degree of separation.

Now residents of Massachusetts, where we moved from Florida partly so that my husband and I could get married, we managed to avoid the Boston Marathon bombing. Because we’re lucky, I guess? If being lucky means surviving a terrorist attack, then sure. I’m lucky. But if being an American means having a terrorist attack be part of the history of every state you’ve lived in, then hell no, I’m not proud. If you want me to be proud to be an American, you’re going to have to give me less things to be utterly ashamed of, America.

I’ll admit that for the first few days after Orlando, I was terrified to even leave the house. I was adamantly against going to Pride this year, which has been a tradition for me since the age of 17. But one of the things I’m absolutely proud of is my sexuality. It’s a massive part of who I am. So, sure, I’ll do my best to ignore the spot on Earth on which I happened to be born and all the terrible things people born on the same spot have done because I don’t want their actions to be my heritage, but I’ll be damned if I don’t celebrate exactly who the fuck I am. My husband was out of town during Boston pride, but you will be seeing us in NYC on the 26th. With rainbow Hillary buttons galore.

Now, dear reader, I haven’t forgotten what this blog is about. We’re here to talk about TV and talk about TV we will.

Animal Kingdom premiered this week on TNT. They postponed the season premieres of two of their shows because of the homophobic terrorist attack in Orlando, so I was pretty sure Animal Kingdom wasn’t going to trigger anything negative since it was still scheduled to air as normal. The premise can pretty much be summed up as: a bunch of semi-angry shirtless straight men rob people under the supervision of Ellen Barkin. A little convoluted, sure. But who cares? It’s a good time. It is super-machismo and incredibly homoerotic and I am not one to be mad at the sexual objectification of men. So, it was a wild and enjoyable ride. Until…

The star of our show walks into a public bathroom to find one of the semi-angry, always shirtless, super-macho, definitely “straight” men getting happily blown by a male stranger. Realizing he was just caught, his moans of pleasure quickly turn into screams of disgust when he starts beating the stranger, while calling him a thief for stealing his wallet. Some very hard punches and kicks later, they leave the beaten man on the bathroom floor. All we see is the victim’s legs writhing in pain, bathing suit at his ankles.

Sigh.

Seriously?

Come the fuck on, TNT. I cannot wait to find out what was in those other two premieres that couldn’t make it to air after a national tragedy in which gay people were murdered in a bathroom. I seriously want to know who didn’t realize how exactly not okay that shit was to air. I understand plot points and premiere dates and advertising fees and blah blah money blah blah, but that shit should not have made it to air, you insensitive mother fuckers.

So, there. Was that TV talk enough?

Be exactly who you are and be proud as hell of it. Also fuck TNT right in the asshole.