October Roundup

Some more new shiz of this season, in short:

The things worth your time (especially in bold):

The things that may or may not be worth your time, a.k.a. Meh:

The things not worth your time:

Old shit, no longer worth your time:

Okay, so, Eyewitness: The shit is good. Maybe even great. The thing about it is, though, that I’ve seen the original 6-episode Swedish series this it’s based on, which I loved. So, of course my brain is constantly comparing the two as I watch this Americanized iteration. It’s written by the creator of Shades of Blue, which I really didn’t love so that may not be much of a selling point, but what I mean to say is: it’s completely written by him. Adi Hasak sat down and fleshed out a complete, expanded 10-episode story which will have a conclusion. And the series itself was sold to USA as an anthology, so if there is a second season, it’ll be completely new. With all the hoopla these past few years with the seemingly endless cliffhangers and plot holes and unfinished stories, a proper ending is a magical thing to have and should be savored every time that comes around.

Not to mention: at the center of the small-town-murder-mystery story is a gay teenage romance that’s actually fucking respectful, doesn’t shy away from the sex real-life teenagers actually have, and doesn’t treat it like it’s something to be frowned upon while simultaneously accurately portraying the emotional struggle that comes with actually being a teenager accepting their sexuality. ACTUALLY.

The shit is good, I tell you. Just… a skosh less good than the original. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably the only reason it’s not bold in the list above. But you should watch it. Now. Go. Bye.

AHS: ?6 = :(

I’m extremely disappointed with this season’s American Horror Story. So far, at least.

It could very well be because I, myself, watch the nonsense that is My Haunted House, and list it among my guilty pleasures. Ya’ know, the things I shouldn’t admit to watching because they’re so stupid that I should be ashamed that I enjoy them. But I fucking do, man. I do.

So, if this entire season is nothing but cheesy recreations of the tales which actors sitting in a room are telling, with the same monotone voices the My Haunted House producers make their actors use when recounting their haunted tales… (Because, let’s face it, they are actors. Most normal people don’t speak that way. Especially not most “haunted” people. There’s gonna be missing teeth and southern drawls, if we’re keeping it really real.) then this is gonna be a mess.

That’s really all I have to say about this. Except that I hope it gets better. I hope that they switch things up, and end up delving into the “real lives” of the reenactors in the fake series. It’d be much more interesting if they actually got their asses haunted, while filming the hauntings of the “real” people they’re playing. ‘Cause if not, this shit is going to get exhausting real quick.

Not to mention… I am much more than slightly obsessed with the mythology behind Roanoke. I found out that Croatoan was the theme of this season before I watched the first episode, and it sent me flying over the god damn moon. So, to then be smacked across the face with this dumb, generic horror “docuseries” bullshit… I don’t know if I can thoroughly explain the disappointment.

P.S.: Also, seriously… why, if the ratings are getting lower by the season, do you try to reinvigorate the series by completely ripping off a sub-par series?! None of this makes any sense to me.
P.P.S.: If you’ve never seen My Haunted House, count your lucky stars, but also watch a full episode here. If for no other reason than to get a full understanding of how similar this shit is. For real, I’m expecting a lawsuit against Ryan Murphy any day now.

Braindead Olympics

No, this is not a post about Ryan Lochte’s dumb ass. This is about a little ol’ TV junkie with a full time job and general shit to do. So, when the Olympic games roll around, and new episodes of series stop airing for a couple weeks, it gives plenty of time for said junkie to catch up on the shows he’s missed. Because, let’s keep it real… the Olympics are for ogling attractive people, which makes national fucking news coverage anyway, so you’re not gonna miss anything important if you don’t watch any of it.

It also works well as a distraction from all the presidential election fuckery that may be going on. Seeing as how it’s the Drumpf show, it’s a very welcome distraction. Unfortunately, though, he may be why not a whole lot of people have been watching Braindead, CBS’ scifi political dramedy. It could also be that eye-roll inducing genre. But, folks, I’m here to tell you: this show is good. Really good. Good enough for you to watch. And you should. So do it. Please and thank you.

To sum it up extremely simply, so as not to thoroughly spoil, the explanation for Donald Trump lies in this series. You see, alien (though they don’t prefer the term) bugs have been crawling into unlucky birches’ ears, eating halves of their brains, and subsequently taking over most of the other halves in the process. What results is a straight-laced, easily angered, oligarchy-aspiring, “You Might Think“-obsessed person trying to take shit over. Or, if you’re one of the lucky few, you’ll be a self-aware, horny and dancing booze hound trying to get the bugs out before they do any real damage.

And it’s funny! And creepy! Laughs and goosebumps abound. And, on a somewhat-serious note, at the heart of the story are two people, from opposite ends of the political spectrum, working together to fix shit. If that’s not exactly what this mess of a country needs right now, I don’t know what is.

So, I’ll leave it at that. What the world needs now… are bugs, sweet bugs.

(Just kidding, it needs Hillary. Because I’m not a selfish asshole who doesn’t give a shit about minorities or a ridiculous child with delusions of grandeur chock-full of false conviction and ego.)

(Sorry, I know I just talked about us all needing to work together.)

(But, for real, some people are just such assholes.)