I just don’t fucking get The Leftovers.
I mean, I do. I get that the rapture just up and happened one day and it really fucked up everyone else who is stuck down here without Jesus and the Saints and all the prophets and yeah, yeah, God is great. (#namethattune) I even get that it led a few of the “leftover” folks to do some really crazy shit. A willfully mute cult of chain smokers who wear only white and stalk, for example. Or some dude who impregnates as many women as possible because he might die soon and you gotta spread that psychic seed, amiright? Or the least fun example: hooded monsters who stone women to death. It mostly makes sense to me that these are the terrible places where the awful people of America who were left behind would go. Whether or not it’s necessary to have a close-up shot of the face being mutilated by hurled stones is a-whole-nother blog post, which I would’ve written during season one if Qtv existed then. But since it didn’t, I’m going to shut up about it because I’d rather not relive facial bones cracking, thanking you.
That’s all beside the point, however, because this blog post… this deals with all the nonsense I don’t get. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that present, maybe I don’t pay enough attention to be able to connect the dots, maybe I’m just super forgetful, or maybe (and most probably) the writers and directors of this show put random fuckery in the middle of it for no reason.
Will the ultimate “Throwback Thursday” of that cavewoman dying from a snake bite after giving birth (thanks for that image of the bloody baby head hanging out of a vagina, by the way) make sense at some point? Should it already make sense to me? Was that bullshit all some kind of weird way to connect water to… whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be connected to in the storyline? Or was it the earthquake? Was it an earthquake?! Is every earthquake actually the fucking Lord scooping bitches up to hang out at his house?
Also, since when do high school girls run through the woods naked in the middle of the day? And why would they? That’s not what the track and field girls at my high school did. (I hope.) Was that supposed to be a quick reminder that “nature” is a thing? Or was it just an excuse to show teenage bush and tits bouncing around? Or, hell, was that just your way of saying “Epileptics can be sexy too?” Which… we all never thought otherwise. So… just saying.
And what was with that fucking goat?! Why slit its throat in the middle of a crowded diner? Was that the post-rapture equivalent of some angry PETA member splashing paint all over some poor old bag’s fur coat? Was that old PETA fogey just taking a lunchtime stand because what else is he gonna do now that all his pets are in heaven? And why did everyone act like it’s just some thing that happens sometimes, but let’s keep eating our meals because, hey… gotta eat, right? And how much clean up time did he really think he was saving himself with that tiny-ass mat he laid down? And what did that goat ever do to not get his ass raptured?! Are all goats evil, or just that little asshole?
Seriously. It’s fun to be curious about some mysterious things in a show every once in a while, but this is too much. And if I wasn’t such a silly bitch, I’d probably stop watching, but Liv Tyler (who didn’t make an appearance in the second season premiere) is amazing and Justin Theroux is fucking pretty. (Fair warning: I will probably always pull the “Pretty Card” when insisting on watching dumb shit.) If Liv Tyler doesn’t show up again, though… I’m not sure if even Justin’s magical eyelashes could keep me around.
Sidebar: If The Leftovers ever gets a devoted fandom… I really want them to call themselves Tupperware.