First things first

I wasn’t quite sure how to “start” this blog. I didn’t know what to write about first. Should I just talk about my current favorite new show? (It’s Mr. Robot, by the way.) Should I talk about the all-time greats? (Buffy, Carnivàle, Dead Like Me, to name a very small few.) Or should I just wait for something significant enough to make me want to write about it?

I landed on option #3. So, let’s talk about Casanova, Amazon’s latest original period piece highlighting the orgasmic trials and tribulations of Giacomo Casanova during the Age of Enlightenment in Paris.

We’ve got 3 pairs of tits, two female asses, two shots of straight-up-fucking, and some spanking. All within the first 60 seconds. Interspersed with the “obligatory” t&a is the man himself, literally talking himself to a sickly death in a jail cell, which his friend breaks him out of so he can frolic (suddenly the picture of health) on the roof of the building. They have themselves a nice swim before running away to Paris where he can bask in sexual pleasure without fear of punishment.

For good measure, we’re given 3 more glimpses of breasts in the opening sequence of the show. And about 8 more pairs (a few of them getting licked by creepy men) through to the end of the episode.

As far as plot goes… a friend of a friend has gone missing (all of 10 seconds is spent on that plot point), the King has a “whore,” and Casanova needs a job. He does not, however, want to be the whore’s whore. Fucking for money crosses a line, apparently. But all it takes to convince him otherwise is for his friend to essentially say, “But… money, power, respect.” (Do note: direct quotes may or may not be subject to intentional inaccuracies.) So, he gets a makeover and proceeds to attempt to out-fuck the woman causing his friend distress by having a vagina which, if the King goes anywhere near it, will cause him to burn Paris to the ground… or something equally terrible.

Before officially embarking on his plan, however, he gets called away to some high society Kabbalists’ dinner party, where one of the guests makes our dear Casanova the picture of anger because of their claim to being a few hundred years old. If I’m being honest, it might have been for another reason, but it wasn’t interesting enough to remember.

When he finally does catch up with Ms. Mistress (or whatever her actual name is), she basically cuts him up with her sharp-witted words when he tries to turn on his world-famous charm. He says the 18th century equivalent of a stupid Drake lyric (something along the lines of “But I came from the gutter just like you”) to which she replies, “Bye, Felipe.” Not fazed at all by his failure, he eye fucks some rando until she walks up to him, jerk-off hand at the ready. She’s already somebody’s main bitch, however, so she passes him off onto a poor, unsuspecting and, might I add, asleep woman. (My husband knows better than to wake me up with a boner. Bitches be tired.) To make up for his rude awakening, he finger bangs her until she says, “Hold up, dude. I’m a virgin. And virgins cost extra.” He says “Ugh, fine. I’ll just eat you out then.” But the second he sets his eyes on her sparkly downstairs parts, he decides she’s too good to get paid. Then proceeds to eat her out anyway. And she lets him!

The following day, he promises his Kabbalah buddy that he can regenerate her soul if she pays him enough. He spends that money on his new virgin friend that he’s apparently trying to Pretty Woman so that he can replace Ms. Mistress with her. So, the problem is no longer vagina in general, it’s specifically Ms. Mistress’ vagina.

Our “hero” manages to get our mistress alone at the opera, where he reveals the entirety of the master plan and his true intentions to fuck up his “friend” who, turns out, was the person who had good ol’ Cas arrested back in their hometown.

That’s pretty much it. To sum up what we’ve learned from the pilot episode (without Googling for actual facts): (1) Casanova is a whore who manages to have sex fully clothed each time he does it, (2) Parisian women, on the other hand, barely covered themselves up back in the day, (3) complimenting a prostitute means she has to work for free, (4) egg whites cause multiple forceful ejaculations, and (5) medieval torture is supposed to be entertaining as fuck.

So, if the pilot gets picked up to series, you can expect a tale of revenge being carried out by a hypersexual man because he was stripped of his right to fuck for the minute he was in prison and forced to move to Paris, where everyone else is hypersexual. Also, you’re supposed to feel bad for him. Or want to have sex with him. Or something. Just don’t expect to ever see his nipples.

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